It was the first day of school and a new student named Pedro Martinez,
the son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the fourth grade.
The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history.
"Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?' "
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Pedro, who had his hand up.
"Patrick Henry, 1775."
"Very good!" apprised the teacher. "Now, who said, "Government of the
people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth?"
Again, no response except from Pedro: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."
The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed! Pedro,
who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do!"
She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans!"
"Who said that?" she demanded.
Pedro put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836."
At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."
The teacher glared and asked, "All right! Now, who said that?"
Again, Pedro answered, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister,
1991."
Now furious, another student yelled, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"
Pedro jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouting to the
teacher, "Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"
Now, with almost a mob hysteria, teacher said, "You little shit. If you
say anything else, I'll kill you!"
Pedro frantically yelled at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to
Chandra Levy, 2001."
The teacher fainted, and as the class gathered around her on the floor,
someone said, "Oh shit, we're in BIG trouble now!"
Pedro whispered, "Saddam Hussein, 2003."
************************************************
Canoe race
>
> A Japanese company and an American company decided to have a canoe
race
> on the Missouri River.
>
> Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance
> before the race.
>
> On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile.
>
> The Americans, very discouraged and depressed, decided to
investigate
> the reason for the crushing defeat. A management team made up of
senior
> management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action.
> Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person
> steering, while the American team had 8 people steering and 1 person
> rowing. So American management hired a consulting company and paid them
> a large amount of money for a second opinion.
>
> They advised that too many people were steering the boat, while not
> enough people were rowing. To prevent another loss to the Japanese, the
> rowing team's management structure was totally reorganized to 4
> steering supervisors, 3 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant
> superintendent steering manager. They also implemented a new
> performance system that would give the 1 person rowing the boat greater
> incentive to work harder. It was called the "Rowing Team Quality
First
> Program", with meetings, dinners and free pens for the rower. There was
> discussion of getting new paddles, canoes and other equipment, extra
> vacation days for practices and bonuses.
>
> The next year the Japanese won by two miles.
>
> Humiliated, the American management laid off the rower for
poor
> performance, halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles, and
> canceled all capital investments for new equipment. The money saved
was
> distributed to the Senior Executives as bonuses and the next year's
> racing team was outsourced to India.
**********************************************************************
Dear Abby,
My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on
me from the beginning,
and, when I confront
him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone
knows that he cheats on
me.
It is so humiliating.
Also, since he lost his job five years ago, he
hasn't even looked for
a new one. All he does all day is smoke cigars,
cruise around and
bullshit with his buddies while I have to work to
pay
the bills.
Since our daughter went
away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me
and hints that I may be
a lesbian. What should I do?
Signed, Clueless
Dear Clueless:
Grow up and dump him.
Good grief, woman. You don't need him anymore.
You're a United States
Senator from
***********************************
As President Bush gets off the helicopter in front of the White House,
he is carrying a baby pig under each arm. The squared away Marine guard
snaps to attention, salutes, and says: "Nice pigs, sir."
Razorback Hogs. I got one for Senator Ted Kennedy, and I got one for
Senator John Kerry."
"Nice trade, sir."
**************************
Hillary
Clinton and her driver were cruising along a country
road one evening when an old cow loomed in front of the car. The driver
tried to avoid it but couldn't - the old cow was killed.
Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to
the owners what happened. She stayed in the car making phone calls to
lobbyists.
About an hour later, the driver staggered back to the car with
his clothes in disarray. He was holding a half empty bottle of
expensive wine in one hand, an expensive Cuban cigar in the other and
was smiling happily, smeared with lipstick.
"What happened?" asked Hillary. "Well," the driver replied,
"the farmer gave me the cigar, his wife gave me the wine, and their
beautiful twin daughters made mad passionate love to me."
"My Gosh, what did you tell them?" asked Hillary.
The driver replied: "I said, I'm Hillary Clinton's driver, and
I just killed the old cow.........and things kinda got confused after
that...." 
January 2009
Hillary Clinton gets elected President and is spending her first night in the White House. She has waited so long..........
The ghost of George Washington appears, and Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"
Washington says, "Never tell a lie."
"Ouch!" Says Hillary, "I don't know about that."
The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson appears...Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"
Jefferson says, "Listen to the people."
"Oh! I really don't want to do that."
On the third night, the ghost of Abe Lincoln appears..Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"
Lincoln says, "Go to the theater."
*****************************************************************
At dawn the
telephone rings.
************************************************************************************* A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in
Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the
company. Politics of a Cow What Religion
is Your Bra? Holtzemfromfloppen!
Joe gets up at 6 a.m. and fills his
coffeepot with
**************************************************************************************************************
The
Turkey
Hunter
An
80-year-old man went to the country doctor for a
check-up. The doctor was amazed at what good shape the
guy was in. The doctor asked, "To what do you attribute
your good health?"
The
old timer said, "I'm a turkey hunter, and that's why I'm
in such good shape. I'm up before daylight and out
chasing turkeys up and down the mountains."
The
doctor said, "Well, I'm sure that helps, but there's got
to be more to it. How old was your dad when he died?"
The
old timer said, "Who said my dad's dead?"
The
doctor said, "You mean you're 80 and your dad's still
alive? How old is he?"
The
old timer said, "100. In fact, he hunted turkeys with
me this morning and that's why he's still alive....he's
a turkey hunter."
The
doctor said, "Well that's great, but I am still sure
there's more to it. How about your dad's dad? How old
was he when he died?"
The
old timer said, "Who said my grandpa's dead?"
The
doctor said, "You mean you're 80 and your grandpa's
still living! How old is he?"
The
old timer said, "He's 118."
The
doctor was getting frustrated at this point and said, "I
suppose he went turkey hunting with you this morning
too?"
The
old timer said, "No Grandpa could not go this morning
because he was getting married."
The
doctor said in amazement, "Married! Why would a
118-year-old guy want to get married?"
The
old timer said, "Who said he wanted to?"
***********************************************************************************************
If you
receive an email entitled
*********************************************************************************************
FRANCE!!!!!
********************************************************************************
Subject:
RETIREMENT
It is important for men to remember that, as women
the same quality of housekeeping as when they were
READ ON
**********************************************************************************************
A 92-year-old, petite,
well-poised and proud man, who is fully dressed
********************************************************************************
A driver is stuck in a
traffic jam on the highway. Nothing is moving.
***********************************************************
Thank you President Bush, you have done it to us
all again. Read on:
***********************************************************************************
Mujibar was trying to get into the USA legally through immigration. The
The Bathtub Sanity Test
*******************************************************************
A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand, totally
drunk, stumbling back and forth.
"It wasss on the end of thisshh key"
the man replies.
Momentarily confused, the drunk
looks down at his crotch and without
missing a beat, blurts..........
"Holy shit ----- My girlfriend's
gone, too
******************************************************************************* Three
men were sitting together, bragging about how
************************************************************
********************************************************************************
Chain Letter For
Men
Billie
Clinton
"Hello, Senor Lucky? This is Ernesto the caretaker at your country house."
"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"
"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor, that your parrot died.
"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"
"Si , Senor,that's the one."
"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. "What did he die
from?"
"From eating rotten meat, Senor"
"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"
"Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."
"Dead horse? What dead horse?"
"The thoroughbred, Senor Lucky. He died from all that work pulling the water
cart."
"Are you insane? What water cart?"
"The one we used to put out the fire, Senor"
"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"
"The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught ! on
fire."
"What the.....!!! But there's electricity at the house!!! What was the
candle for?"
"For the funeral, Senor."
"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL?!"
"Your wife's, Senor...She showed up one night out of the blue and I thought
she was a thief, so I hit her
with your new Tiger Woods Nike Driver."
SILENCE.................
"Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep shit!"
/*********************************************************************************
One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long,
Cuddles discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a
leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of
having lunch. The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo
now!"
Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles
down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just
as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly,
"Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there a re any
more around here?"
Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a
look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.
"Whew! says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had
me!"
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a
nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade
it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old
poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and
figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with
the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with
the leopard.
The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says,
"Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that
conniving canine!"
Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on
his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of
running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers,
pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close
enough to hear, the old poodle says: "Where's that damn monkey? I
sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"
Moral of this story...
Don't mess with old farts...age and treachery will always overcome
youth and skill! Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and
experience!
If you don't send this to five "old" friends right away there will
be five fewer people laughing in the world. I am in no way
insinuating thatany of you are old, some are just more "youth
challenged" than others!!!!
Good friends are like stars ... you don't always see them, but you
know they are there.
********************************************************************************************************************************
Lesson In Political Systems
DEMOCRATIC
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
Barbra Streisand sings for you.
REPUBLICANISM
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So?
SOCIALIST
You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.
COMMUNIST
You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.
CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one,
milk the
other, and then pours the milk down the drain.
AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd
one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are
surprised
when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts
stating
you have downsized and are reducing expenses.
Your stock goes up.
FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch and drink wine.
Life is good.
JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow
and
produce twenty times the milk.
They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
Most are at the top of their class at cow school.
GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give
excellent
quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of paid vacation per year.
ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.
You break for lunch.
Life is good.
RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have some vodka.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You have some more vodka.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
The Russian Mafia shows up and takes however many cows you actually
had.
TALIBAN CORPORATION
You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two.
You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature' s private
parts.
You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find
alternatives to
milk production but use all the money to buy weapons.
IRAQI CORPORATION
You have two cows.
They go into hiding.
They send radio tapes of their mooing.
POLISH CORPORATION
You have two bulls.
Employees are regularly maimed and killed while attempting to milk
them.
BELGIAN CORPORATION
You have one cow.
The cow is schizophrenic.
Sometimes the cow thinks he's French, other times he's Flemish.
The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow.
The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk.
The cow asks permission to be cut in half
The cow dies happy.
FLORIDA CORPORATION
You have a black cow and a brown cow.
Everyone votes for the best looking one.
Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally
vote
for the black one.
Some people vote for both.
Some people vote for neither.
Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.
Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you
think is
the best-looking cow.
CALIFORNIA CORPORATION
You have millions of cows.
They make real California cheese.
Only five speak English.
Most are illegal.
Arnold likes the ones with the big udders
**********************************************************************************************************************
A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's and
shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said,
"I'd like to buy a bra for my wife. What type of bra?" asked
the clerk. Type?" inquires the man, "There's more than one
type?
Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of
bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable.
Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really
only four types of bras to choose from.
Relieved, the man asked about the types. The saleslady
replied: There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the
Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you
prefer?
Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences
between them. The Saleslady responded, "It is all really
quite simple...
The Catholic type supports the masses.
The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen,
The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright, and
The Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills.
Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H
are the letters used to define bra sizes?
If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the
letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!
(A} Almost Boobs...
{B} Barely there.
{C} Can't Complain!
{D} Dang!
{DD} Double dang!
{E} Enormous!
{F} Fake.
{G} Get a Reduction.
{H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up !
Send this to all that will appreciate it!
They forgot the German bra.
********************************************************************************************************
The World's Shortest Fairy Tale
Once upon a time, a girl asked a guy "Will you marry me?"
The guy said, "No."
And the girl lived happily ever after and went shopping,
dancing, drank martinis, always had a clean house, never had
to cook, and farted whenever she wanted.
The End.
**************************************************************************************
water to prepare his morning coffee. The water is clean and good
because some tree-hugging liberal fought for minimum water-quality
standards. With his first swallow of water, he takes his daily
medication. His medications are safe to take because some stupid
commie liberal fought to ensure their safety and that they work as
advertised.
All but $10 of his medications are paid for by his employer's
medical plan because some liberal union workers fought their
employers for paid medical insurance - now Joe gets it too. He
prepares his morning breakfast, bacon and eggs.
Joe's bacon is safe to eat because some girlie-man liberal fought
for laws to regulate the meat packing industry.
In the morning shower, Joe reaches for his shampoo.
His bottle is properly labeled with each ingredient and its amount
in the total contents because some crybaby liberal fought for his
right to know what he was putting on his body and how much it
contained.
Joe dresses, walks outside and takes a deep breath. The air he
breathes is clean because some environmentalist wacko liberal fought
for the laws to stop industries from polluting our air.
He walks on the government-provided sidewalk to subway station for
his government-subsidized ride to work. It saves him considerable
money in parking and transportation fees because some fancy-pants
liberal fought for affordable public transportation, which gives
everyone the opportunity to be a contributor.
Joe begins his work day. He has a good job with excellent pay,
medical benefits, retirement, paid holidays and vacation because
some lazy liberal union members fought and died for these working
standards. Joe's employer pays these standards because Joe's
employer doesn't want his employees to call the union. If Joe is
hurt on the job or becomes unemployed, he'll get a worker
compensation or unemployment check because some stupid liberal
didn't think he should lose his home because of his temporary
misfortune.
It is noontime and Joe needs to make a
bank depositso he can pay some bills. Joe's deposit is federally
insured by the FSLIC because some godless liberal wanted to protect
Joe's money from unscrupulous bankers who ruined the banking system
before the Great Depression.
Joe has to pay his Fannie Mae-underwritten mortgage and his
below-market federal student loan because some elitist liberal
decided that Joe and the government would be better off if he was
educated and earned more money over his lifetime. Joe also forgets
that his in addition to his federally subsidized student loans, he
attended a state funded university.
Joe is home from work. He plans to visit his father this evening at
his farm home in the country. He gets in his car for the drive. His
car is among the safest in the world because some America-hating
liberal fought for car safety standards to go along with the
tax-payer funded roads. He arrives at his boyhood home. His was the
third generation to live in the house financed by Farmers' Home
Administration because bankers didn't want to make rural loans.
The house didn't have electricity until some big-government liberal
stuck his nose where it didn't belong and demanded rural
electrification.
He is happy to see his father, who is now retired.
His father lives on Social Security and a union pension because some
wine-drinking, cheese eating liberal made sure he could take care of
himself so Joe wouldn't have to.
Joe gets back in his car for the ride home, and turns on a radio
talk show. The radio host keeps saying that liberals are bad and
conservatives are good. He doesn't mention that the beloved
Republicans have fought against every protection and benefit Joe
enjoys throughout his day.
Joe agrees: "We don't need those
big-government liberals ruining our lives! After all, I'm a
self-made man who believes everyone should take care of themselves,
just like I have."
Headlines from the year 2034
Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the 7th largest country
in the world, Mexifornia formally known as California. White minorities still
trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language.
Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.
Baby conceived naturally . Scientists stumped.
Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.
Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in Bushra; the American Territory of
the Middle East (formerly known as Iraq, Afghanistan, Syria and Lebanon).
Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years
before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.
France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica.
Castro finally dies at age 115; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but
President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.
George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.
Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail
delivery to Wednesdays only.
Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.
Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed, they
now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.
Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.
Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.
Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.
New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and
rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.
Congress authorizes direct deposit of formerly illegal political contributions
to campaign accounts.
Capitol Hill intern indicted for refusing to have sex with congressman.
IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.
***********************************************************************************
> The Pentagon announced today the formation of a new 500-man elite
>fighting unit called the United States Redneck Special Forces. These
>Alabama, Arkansas, Georgia, Kentucky, Mississippi, Missouri, Oklahoma,
>Tennessee, and Texas boys will be dropped off into Iraq and have been given
>only the following facts about terrorists:
>
> 1. The season opened today.
> 2. There is no limit.
> 3. They taste just like chicken.
> 4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music, or Jesus.
> 5. They are DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE for the death of Dale Earnhardt.
>
>
>
> We expect the problem in Iraq to be over by Friday.
***********************************************************************************
"Bedtimes"delete it IMMEDIATELY. Do not open it . Apparently this one is
pretty nasty. It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but
it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer.
It demagnetizes the stripes on ALL of your credit cards. It reprograms
your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR, and uses
subspace field harmonics to scratch any CDs you attempt to play.
It will program your phone auto dial to call only 0898 numbers.
This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank.
IT WILL CAUSE YOUR TOILET TO FLUSH WHILE YOU ARE SHOWERING. It will
drink ALL your beer. FOR GOODNESS' SAKE, ARE YOU LISTENING?? It
will leave dirty underwear on the coffee table when you are
expecting company. It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your
Nair with Rogaine. If the "Bedtimes" message opened in a Windows
95/98 environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your
hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub.
It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and
pillows, it will also refill your skim milk with whole milk.
WARN AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN. ***
And if you don't send this to 5000 people in 20 seconds, you'll
fart so hard that your right leg will spasm and shoot straight
out in front of you, sending sparks that will ignite the person
nearest you.
Send this warning to everyone!!! THERE'S A LOT OF SADNESS IN THE
WORLD! Right now, as you read this, 17 million people are having
SEX!!! And look at you - you're on the computer!!!!
STOP PRESS-----STOP PRESS-----STOP PRESS-----STOP PRESS-----STOP
PRESS-----STOP PRESS-----STOP PRESS-----
President Bush has authorized the Joint Chiefs to begin drawing up a
battle plan to pull France's ass out of the fire again.
Facing an apparent overwhelming force of up to 400 pissed off teenagers
Mr.
Bush doubts France's ability to hold off the little pissants. "Hell, if
the last two world wars are any indication, I would expect France to
surrender any day now", said Bush. Joint Chiefs head, Gen. Peter Pace,
warned the President that it might be necessary to send up to 5 marines
to get things under control. The general admitted that 5 marines may be
overkill but he wanted to get this thing under control within 24 hours
of arriving on scene. He stated he was having a hard time finding even
one marine who wanted to help those ungrateful bastards out for a third
time but thought that he could persuade a few women marines to do the
job before they went shopping.
President Bush asked Gen. Pace to get our marines out of there as soon
as possible after order was restored. He also reminded Gen. Pace to make
sure the marines did not take soap, razors, or deodorant with them. The
more they blend in, the better.
grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain
younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at
them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing
worse than an oversensitive woman .
My name is Ron ... Let me relate how I handled the situation with
my wife, Julie. When I took
"early retirement" last year, it became necessary for Julie to get
a full-time job, both for extra
income and for the health insurance that we needed. Shortly after
she started working, I noticed she
was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf
course about the same time she gets
home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost
always says she has to rest for half an
hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead,
I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner
on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the BR
club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for
some home-cooked grub when I hit that door ...
She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now
it's not unusual for them to sit on
the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by
diplomatically reminding her several times
each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really
appreciates this, as it does seem to
motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.
Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example, she
will say that it is difficult for
her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour.
But, boys, we take 'em for better or
worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to
stretch it out over two or even three
days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her
that missing lunch completely now
and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to
think tact is one of my strong
points.
When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest
periods. She had to take a break
when she was only half-finished mowing the backyard. I try not to
make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell
her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly-squeezed
lemonade and just sit for a while.
And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make
one for me too.
I know I probably look like a Saint in the way I support Julie. I'm
not saying that showing this
much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some
will find it impossible! Nobody
knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older.
However, fellas, even if you use just a little more tact and a
little less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I
will consider that writing it was
well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each
other ...
Signed,
Ron
EDITOR'S NOTE: Ron died suddenly Thursday 2nd of december 2005. He
was found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II
(golf club) rammed up his ass, with only 2 inches of grip showing.
His wife Julie was arrested, but the all-woman jury accepted her
defense that he accidentally sat down on it very suddenly.
each morning by eight o'clock, with his hair fashionably coifed and shaved
perfectly applied, even though he is legally blind, moved to a nursing
home today. His wife of 70 years recently passed away, making the move
necessary.
After many hours of waiting patiently in the lobby of the nursing home,
he smiled sweetly when told his room was ready.
As he maneuvered his walker to the elevator, I provided a visual
description of his tiny room, including the eyelet sheets that had been hung on
his
window.
"I love it," he stated with the enthusiasm of an eight-year-old
having
just been presented with a new puppy.
"Mr.
Jones, you haven't seen the room; just wait."
"That
doesn't have anything to do with it,"
he replied.
"Happiness
is something you decide on ahead of time. Whether I like my
room or not doesn't depend on how the furniture is arranged ... it's how I
arrange my mind. I already decided to love it. It's a decision I make
every morning when I wake up. I have a choice; I can spend the day in bed
recounting the difficulty I have with the parts of my body that no longer
work, or get out of bed and be thankful for the ones that do."
Each day is a gift, and as long as my eyes open I'll focus on the new day
and all the happy memories I've stored away. Just for this time in my life.
Old age is like a bank account. You withdraw from what you've put in.
So, my advice to you would be to deposit a lot of happiness in the bank
account of memories.
Thank you for your part in filling my Memory bank. I am still depositing!
Remember the five simple rules to be happy:
1. Free your heart from hatred.
2. Free your mind from worries.
3. Live simply.
4. Give more.
5. Expect less.
********************************************** A
man and his wife were sitting in the living room and he said to her,
"Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent
on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull
the plug."
His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all of his beer.
***********************************************************
Suddenly a man knocks on the window.
The driver rolls down his window and asks, "What happened?"
"Terrorists have kidnapped Hillary Clinton, Ted Kennedy, Jesse Jackson,
and Al Sharpton. They are asking for a $10 million ransom. Otherwise
they are going to douse them with gasoline and set them on fire. We are
going from car to car, taking up a collection."
The driver asks, "How much is everyone giving, on average?"
"About a gallon."
***********************************************************************ubject:
Groundhog Day
This year, both Groundhog Day and the State of the Union Address fall on
the same day. As Air America Radio pointed out, "It is an ironic
juxtaposition: one involves a meaningless ritual in which we look to a
creature of little intelligence for prognostication, and the other
involves a groundhog."
"Deficit Reduction Act" has Long Islanders worried about Medicaid
(02/03/06) MASSAPEQUA PARK - A new act passed by Congress aimed at reducing
the deficit has many Long Islanders worried about Medicaid benefits.
Under the new law, nine million Medicaid beneficiaries will have to pay yearly
premiums and co-pays for doctor visits. The bill affects roughly 160,000
eligible Long Islanders, and experts believe thousands will be forced off and
left without medical care. Welfare advocates say the law is "war on the
working middle class."
The bill also raises interest rates on federal student loans from 4.7 percent
to 6.8. Congressman Peter King (R-NY) supports the plan, saying it is balanced
and will give $1 billion to the nation's first responders. President Bush is
expected to sign off on the bill next week.
********************************************************
officer said, "Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except there is
one more test. Unless you pass it, you cannot enter the United States of
America. Mujibar said, "I am ready." The officer said, "Make a sentence
using the words Yellow, Pink and Green."
Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, "Mister Officer, I am ready."
The Officer said, "Go ahead."
Mujibar said, "The telephone goes green, green, green, and I pink it up, and
say, 'Yellow, this is Mujibar.'"
Mujibar now lives in a neighborhood near you and works at a Verizon help
desk. I talked to him yesterday
************************************************************
>
>It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this
>should help get you started. During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor
>asked the Director what the criteria was which defined whether or not a
>patient should be institutionalized.
>
>"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, and then we offer a
>teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty
>the bathtub."
>
>"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket
>because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
>
>"No," said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want
>a bed near the window?"
************************************************************
An elderly Italian man lay dying in his bed. While suffering
the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the
aroma of his favorite Italian anisette sprinkle cookies
wafting up the stairs. Gathering his remaining strength, he
lifted himself from the bed.
Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the
bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing
with both hands he crawled downstairs. With labored breath,
he leaned against the doorframe, gazing into the kitchen.
Where if not for death's agony, he
would have thought himself already in heaven. For there,
spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were
literally hundreds of his
favorite anisette sprinkled cookies.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from
his devoted Italian wife of sixty years, seeing to it that
he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great final
effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his
knees in a crumpled posture. His parched lips
parted, the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his
mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and
withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of
the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by
his wife..................
A cop on the beat sees him and
approaches "Can I help you sir?"
"Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr"
the man replies. The cop asks
"Where was your car the last time
you saw it?"
About that time the cop looks down
and sees the man's weiner hanging
out of his fly for all the world to
see. He asks the man "Sir are you
aware that you are exposing
yourself?"
they had given their new wives household duties.
The first man had married a woman from Indiana. He
bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do
all the dishes and house cleaning that needed done at
their house. He said that it took a couple days, but
on the third day he came home to a clean house, and
the dishes were all washed and put away.
The second man had married a woman from Ohio. He
bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was
to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. He
told them that the first day he didn't see any
results, but the next day it was better. By the third
day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he
had a huge dinner on the table.
The third man had married a Long Island
girll. He said that
he told her that her duties were to keep the house
cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry done, and
have hot meals on the table for every meal. He said
the first day he didn't see anything. The second day
he didn't see anything. But by the third day, some of
the swelling had gone down and he could see a little
out of his left eye just enough to fix himself a bite
to eat, load the dishwasher, and telephone a landscaper
At last.... A REAL Man's Chain Letter!
This chain letter was started in hopes of bringing relief to
other tired and discouraged men. Unlike most chain letters,
this one doesn't
cost anything! Just send a copy of this letter to five of your male
friends who
are equally tired and discontent. Then bundle up your wife and/or
girlfriend
and send her to the man whose name appears at the top of the
following
list, and add your name to the bottom of the list.
When your turn comes, you will receive 15,625 women. One of them
is bound to be better than the one you already have.
At the writing of this letter, a friend of mine had already
received 184 women, four of whom were worth keeping.
This chain also brings good luck. One man's pit bull died, and
the next day he received a Playboy playmate.
An unmarried Jewish man living with his widowed mother was able
to choose between a Hooter's waitress and a Hollywood super model.
You can be lucky too, but DO NOT BREAK THE CHAIN! One man broke
the chain and got his wife back again.
Let's keep it going, men! Just add your name to the list below.
Bill Clinton
780 3rd Ave
New York, NY 10017
Billy Clinton
780 3rd Ave.
New York, NY 10017
780 3rd Ave.
New York, NY 10017
B. Clinton
780 3rd Ave.
New York, NY 10017
William Jefferson Clinton
>> >>> > > 780 3rd Ave.
>> >>> > > New York, NY 10017
>> >>> > >
>> >>> > > W. Jefferson Clinton
>> >>> > > 780 3rd Ave.
>> >>> > > New York, NY 10017
>> >>> > >
>> >>> > > W. Jeff Clinton
>> >>> > > 780 3rd Ave.
>> >>> > > New York, NY 10017
>> >>> > >
>> >>> > > W. J. Clinton 780 3rd Ave.
>> >>> > > New York, NY 10017
>> >>> > >
>> >>> > > W. Clinton
>> >>> > > 780 3rd Ave.
>> >>> > > New York, NY 10017
>> >>> > >
>> >>> > > William J Clinton
>> >>> > > 780 3rd Ave.
>> >>> > > New York, NY 10017
>> >>> > >
>> >>> > > Willem Clinton
>> >>> > > 780 3rd Ave.
>> >>> > > New York, NY 10017
>> >>> > >
>> >>> > > Wilhelm Clinton
>> >>> > > 780 3rd Ave.
>> >>> > > New York, NY 10017
>> >>> > >
>> >>> > > Billy Clinton
>> >>> > > 780 3rd Ave.
>> >>> > > New York, NY 10017
>> >>> > >
>> >>> > > Willie Clinton
>> >>> > > 780 3rd Ave.
>> >>> > > New York, NY 10017
>> >>> > >
>> >>> > > Will Clinton
>> >>> > > 780 3rd Ave.
>> >>> > > New York, NY 10017
>> >>> > >
>> >>> > > Mr. Hillary Clinton
>> >>> > > 780 3rd Ave.
>> >>> > > New York, 10017