Welcome to Jokes that were sent to my location.net


**New Husband Store**

     A store that sells new husbands has just opened on 5th Ave in New York
 City, where women can go to choose a husband.  As you enter the store there is a list of instructions of how the store operates.

     You may visit the store ONLY ONCE!  There are 6 floors to the store and
the attributes of the men increase as they ascend the flights.
      There is however, a catch:  you may choose any man from a particular floor but once you choose to go up to the next floor you can't  go down except to exit the building!

     So a woman goes into the husband store to find a husband.

 On the 1st floor a sign reads:
         Floor 1: these men have jobs.
 She ascends to the 2nd floor where a sign reads:
        Floor 2: these men have jobs and love kids.
    She ascends further to the 3rd floor where a sign reads:
         Floor 3: these men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking!

 "Wow" she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

    On the 4th floor a sign reads:
        Floor 4: these men have jobs, love kids,
 are extremely good looking and help with the housework.

 "Oh mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

     Still she goes to the 5th Floor and a sign reads:
        Floor 5: these men have jobs, love kids, are drop dead gorgeous, helps with the 
housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

     She is so tempted to stay, but goes on to the 6th floor and
 a sign reads:
    You are visitor number 31,456,012 to this floor. There 
are no men on this floor. This floor exists only to prove that 
women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the 
husband store.

 A new Wives Store has opened across the street.
     The 1st floor has wives who enjoy sex.

     The 2nd has wives who enjoy sex and have money.

     The 3rd thru 6th floor have never been visited.


Subject: Fw: Two Priests on Vacation !!!
Two priests were determined to make  this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as  clergy. 
As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and  bought some really outrageous
shorts, shirts, sandals,  sun glasses,  etc.
The next morning, they went to the beach, dressed in  their "tourist"garb. 
They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a  drink,  the sunshine and the scenery when a "drop dead gorgeous" topless  blonde in a thong bikini came walking straight towards them. They  couldn't help but  stare.
As the blonde passed them, she smiled and said  "Good morning,  Father, Good morning, Father,"nodding and addressing  each of them.
They were both stunned.  How in the world did she know  they were  priests?
So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits.  These were so loud you could hear them before you even  saw them.
Once again the two priests (incognito) settled on the beach, in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. 
After a while, the same gorgeous topless blonde, wearing a string, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them. 
Again she nodded at each of them, said "Good morning, Father," and started to walk away.
One of the priests couldn't  stand it any longer and said. "Just a minute young lady." Yes?" she  replied. 
"We are priests, and proud of it, but I have to know, how in  the world did you know we are priests - dressed as we are?"
She  replied, "Father, it's me......Sister Mary



Subject: Bush Fails To Prevent East Coast Blizzard


Minorities Hit Hardest
by Brain Wilyums
NBC 02/12/06

As President Bush and his staff cowered in the White House, the snow continued to pile up on the many poor and African American and Hispanic victims who could not afford to get out of town or to safety in Florida or the Bahamas.

Crucial supplies of blankets, hot cocoa, popcorn and dark rum, so essential to surviving the stress of any major snowstorm, lay in stores undelivered.

"Where is the government? I need my sidewalk shoveled so I can get out to buy my danged lottery tickets!" said one D.C. resident from his living room.   "Why are we wasting money in Iraq when we could be spending it here on me?"

Progressive blogs blasted the President for his inaction. "We find the timing terribly suspicious, just as the Domestic Spying hearings kick into high gear, what happens? A major northeast Blizzard. Why now?" wrote one blogger.

Hearings into the Blizzard's effect on hearings are almost a certainty.

Howard Dean has suggested he will call for an investigation once his new medications kick in, and John Kerry took a break from the sporting activities of the glamorous super-rich in some exotic locale (random choice: Ice Sailing in Finland) to call for new legislation outlawing snowstorms.

"The Republican Congress has dropped the ball once again. I have always been a staunch supporter of anti-snow legislation, except for certain locations where I ski.  Snow has no business on our roads and the President and Congress knows that."

Calls for impeachment over "SnowGate" as some are calling it already are mounting as deeply as the snow itself, and what will be discovered underneath will prove to have a truly chilling effect on the Republicans, as the inevitable thaw proceeds. Or something like that.

More breaking news......

Al Sharpton wants an investigation as to why snow is ALWAYS white.

Cheney has stock in Tru-Value Hardware. Do you have any idea how many SNOW SHOVELS they sold today to the unsuspecting consumer?

I demand to know why FEMA has been so late in reacting to this storm. THEY KNEW IT WAS COMING! And yet they failed to have crews in place to fix the electricity as soon as it went off.  It just shows that Bush and the Republicans just don't care about the people in the N.E. The Senate needs to investigate this with administration people under oath.

I'll bet that the great junior senator from N.Y. has opened the doors of her home to all of the heatless poor of her neighborhood and is busy baking cookies for them while her husband applies body heat to the nearly frozen teen-aged girls. 


For God And Country


Are you sick of all those sissy "friendship" poems that always sound 
like Hallmark cards, and never come close to reality? 
Well, here is a series of promises that really speak to true friendship: 
1. When you are sad - I will help you get drunk and plot revenge 
against the sorry bastard who made you sad. 
2. When you are blue - I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you. 
3. When you smile - I will know you've finally had sex. 
4. When you are scared - I will rag on you about it every chance I get. 
5. When you are worried - I will tell you horrible stories about how 
much worse it could be and tell you to qui! t whining. 
6. When you are confused - I will use little words. 
7. When you are sick - stay the hell away from me until you are well 
again. I don't want whatever you have. 
8. When you fall - I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass. 
This is my oath...I pledge it till the end. Why, you ask? 
 Because you are my friend. 
A good friend will help you move.
A really good friend will help you move a body..
Let me know if I ever need to bring a shovel!


It must be the NBA!
Or is it the NFL?

36 have been accused of spousal abuse  

7 have been arrested for fraud  

19 have been accused of writing bad checks  

117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses  

3 have done time for assault  

71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit  

14 have been arrested on drug-related charges  

8 have been arrested for shoplifting  

21 currently are defendants in lawsuits. and  

84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year  

Can you guess which organization this is?

Give up yet?  . . . Scroll down, citizen!


It's the 535 members of the United States Congress.

The same group of Idiots that crank out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of us in line.

Christmas Downsizing Today's global challenges require the North Pole to
continue to look for better, more competitive steps. Effective immediately,
the following economy measures are to take place in the "Twelve Days of
Christmas" subsidiary:

The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be the
cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant,
providing considerable savings in maintenance.

The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost
effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be
condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated.

The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the

The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail system, with
a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds
have been calling, how often and how long they talked.

The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors.
Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative
implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other
precious metals as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks
appear to be in order.

The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded.
It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day
is an example of the decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go,
and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure
management that from now on every goose it gets will be a good one.

The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times.
Their function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The
current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes and therefore
enhance their outplacement.

As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny
by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The
more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility.
Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring
or a-mulching.

Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be
phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps.

Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords plus the expense of
international air travel prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest
replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability
may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant because we expect an
oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year.

Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the
band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cut back on
new music and no uniforms will produce savings which will drop right down to
the bottom line.

We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and
other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching
deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day,
service levels will be improved.

Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking expansion
to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a- suing"), action is

Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be necessary in
the future to stay competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request
management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is
the right number.



Guts and balls

 We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know
the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the
definition for each is listed below ....

  GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being
assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you
still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

  BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of
perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass
and having the balls to say: "You're next."

I hope this clears up any confusion on the subject.

My wife, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway, the other day, just jumping for joy!
I didn't know why she was jumping for joy but I thought, what the heck and I starting jumping up and
down along with her.

She said, "Honey, I have some really great news for you!"

I said, "Great. Tell me what you're so happy about."

She stopped jumping and was breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, when she told
me that she was pregnant!

I was ecstatic! We had been trying for a while, so I grabbed
her and kissed her on the lips and told her, "That's great! I couldn't be happier!"

Then, she said "Oh, honey, There's more." I asked, "What do you mean 'more'?"

She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have TWINS!"

Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew.

She said, (You're going to love this!)


"Well, that was the easy part. I went to Wal-Mart and bought the twin-pack home pregnancy test kit
and both tests came out positive!"

It was the first day of school and a new student named Pedro Martinez,
the son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history.

"Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?' "

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Pedro, who had his hand up.

"Patrick Henry, 1775."

"Very good!" apprised the teacher. "Now, who said, "Government of the
people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth?"

Again, no response except from Pedro: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed! Pedro,
who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do!"

She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans!"

"Who said that?" she demanded.

Pedro put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836."

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."

The teacher glared and asked, "All right! Now, who said that?"

Again, Pedro answered, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister,

Now furious, another student yelled, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"

Pedro jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouting to the
teacher, "Bill Clinton to Monica  Lewinsky, 1997!"

Now, with almost a mob hysteria, teacher said, "You little shit. If you
say anything else, I'll kill  you!"

Pedro frantically yelled at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to
Chandra Levy, 2001."

The teacher fainted, and as the class gathered around her on the floor,
someone said, "Oh shit,  we're in BIG trouble now!"

Pedro whispered, "Saddam Hussein, 2003."


 Canoe race
>  A Japanese company and an American company decided to have a canoe race
> on the Missouri River.
>  Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance
> before the race.
>  On the big day, the Japanese won  by a mile.
>  The Americans, very discouraged and depressed, decided to  investigate
> the reason for the crushing defeat.  A management team made up of senior
> management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action.
> Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person
> steering,  while the American team had 8 people steering and 1 person
> rowing. So American management hired a consulting company and paid them
> a large amount of  money for a second opinion.
>  They advised that too many people were steering the boat, while not
> enough people were rowing. To prevent another loss to the Japanese, the
> rowing  team's management structure was totally reorganized to 4
> steering supervisors, 3 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant
> superintendent  steering manager.  They also implemented a new
> performance system that would give the 1 person rowing the boat greater
> incentive to work harder. It  was called the "Rowing Team Quality First
> Program", with meetings, dinners and free pens for the rower. There was
> discussion of getting new paddles,  canoes and other equipment, extra
> vacation days for practices and bonuses.
>  The next year the Japanese won by two miles.
>   Humiliated, the American management laid off the rower for poor
> performance, halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles, and
> canceled all  capital investments for new equipment. The money saved was
> distributed to the Senior Executives as bonuses and the next year's
> racing team was  outsourced to India.


Dear Abby,

My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning,
and, when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone
knows that he cheats on me.

It is so humiliating. Also, since he lost his job five years ago, he
hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does all day is smoke cigars,
cruise around and bullshit with his buddies while I have to work to pay
the bills.
Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me
and hints that I may be a lesbian. What should I do?

Signed, Clueless

Dear Clueless:

Grow up and dump him. Good grief, woman. You don't need him anymore.
You're a United States Senator from New York. Act like it!



You gotta love this Marine!!!!!!!!

 As President Bush gets off the helicopter in front of the White House,
he is carrying a baby pig under each arm. The squared away Marine guard
snaps to attention, salutes, and says: "Nice pigs, sir."
The President replies: "These are not pigs, these are authentic Texan
Razorback Hogs. I got one for Senator Ted Kennedy, and  I got one for
Senator John Kerry."
The squared away Marine again snaps to attention, salutes, and says,
 "Nice trade, sir."


Hillary Clinton and her driver were cruising along a country

road one evening when an old cow loomed in front of the car. The driver

tried to avoid it but couldn't - the old cow was killed.

Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to

the owners what happened. She stayed in the car making phone calls to


About an hour later, the driver staggered back to the car with

his clothes in disarray. He was holding a half empty bottle of

expensive wine in one hand, an expensive Cuban cigar in the other and

was smiling happily, smeared with lipstick.

"What happened?" asked Hillary. "Well," the driver replied,

"the farmer gave me the cigar, his wife gave me the wine, and their

beautiful twin daughters made mad passionate love to me."

"My Gosh, what did you tell them?" asked Hillary.

The driver replied: "I said, I'm Hillary Clinton's driver, and

I just killed the old cow.........and things kinda got confused after

that...."   **********************************************************************

January 2009

Hillary Clinton gets elected President and is spending her first night in the White House. She has waited so long..........

The ghost of George Washington appears, and Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"

Washington says, "Never tell a lie."

"Ouch!" Says Hillary, "I don't know about that."

The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson appears...Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"

Jefferson says, "Listen to the people."

"Oh! I really don't want to do that."

On the third night, the ghost of Abe Lincoln appears..Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"

Lincoln says, "Go to the theater."


At dawn the telephone rings.
"Hello, Senor Lucky? This is Ernesto the caretaker at your country house."
"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"
"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor, that your parrot died.
"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"
"Si , Senor,that's the one."
"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. "What did he die
"From eating rotten meat, Senor"
"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"
"Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."
"Dead horse? What dead horse?"
"The thoroughbred, Senor Lucky. He died from all that work pulling the water
"Are you insane? What water cart?"
"The one we used to put out the fire, Senor"
"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"
"The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught ! on
"What the.....!!! But there's electricity at the house!!! What was the
candle for?"
"For the funeral, Senor."
"Your wife's, Senor...She showed up one night out of the blue and I thought
she was a thief, so I hit her
  with your new Tiger Woods Nike Driver."

"Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep shit!"

You don't have to own a cat to appreciate this one...
A couple was dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They turned on a night light, turned the
answering machine on the phone line, covered their pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.
They phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and the couple opened the front door to leave their house. The cat they had put out into the yard scoots back into the house.
They don't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird. The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes inside to get the cat.
The cat runs upstairs, the man in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, the wife doesn't want the driver to know the house will be empty for the night. She explains to the taxi driver that Her husband will be out soon.
"He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother."
A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab.
"Sorry I took so long," he says, as they drive away. "Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed.  Had ! to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out!  She tried to take off so I grabbed her by the neck.  Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep
her from scratching me. But it worked. I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!"
The cabdriver hit a parked car....


A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.

One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch. The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!"

Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there a re any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew! says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says: "Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"

Moral of this story...

Don't mess with old farts...age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience!

If you don't send this to five "old" friends right away there will be five fewer people laughing in the world. I am in no way insinuating thatany of you are old, some are just more "youth challenged" than others!!!!

Good friends are like stars ... you don't always see them, but you know they are there.


Politics of a Cow

Lesson In Political Systems

You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
Barbra Streisand sings for you.

You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.

You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.

You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

You have two cows.
Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the
other, and then pours the milk down the drain.

You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised
when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating
you have downsized and are reducing expenses.
Your stock goes up.

You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch and drink wine.
Life is good.

You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and
produce twenty times the milk.
They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

You have two cows.
You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent
quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of paid vacation per year.

You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.
You break for lunch.
Life is good.

You have two cows.
You have some vodka.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You have some more vodka.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
The Russian Mafia shows up and takes however many cows you actually had.

You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two.
You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature' s private parts.
You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternatives to
milk production but use all the money to buy weapons.

You have two cows.
They go into hiding.
They send radio tapes of their mooing.

You have two bulls.
Employees are regularly maimed and killed while attempting to milk them.

You have one cow.
The cow is schizophrenic.
Sometimes the cow thinks he's French, other times he's Flemish.
The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow.
The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk.
The cow asks permission to be cut in half
The cow dies happy.

You have a black cow and a brown cow.
Everyone votes for the best looking one.
Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote
for the black one.
Some people vote for both.
Some people vote for neither.
Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.
Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is
the best-looking cow.

You have millions of cows.
They make real California cheese.
Only five speak English.
Most are illegal.
Arnold likes the ones with the big udders


 What Religion is Your Bra?

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's and
shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said,
"I'd like to buy a bra for my wife. What type of bra?" asked
the clerk. Type?" inquires the man, "There's more than one

Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of
bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable.

Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really
only four types of bras to choose from.
Relieved, the man asked about the types. The saleslady
replied: There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the
Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you

Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences
between them. The Saleslady responded, "It is all really
quite simple...

The Catholic type supports the masses.
The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen,
The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright, and
The Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills.

Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H
are the letters used to define bra sizes?
If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the
letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!

(A} Almost Boobs...
{B} Barely there.
{C} Can't Complain!
{D} Dang!
{DD} Double dang!
{E} Enormous!
{F} Fake.
{G} Get a Reduction.
{H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up !

Send this to all that will appreciate it!

They forgot the German bra.



The World's Shortest Fairy Tale
Once upon a time, a girl asked a guy "Will you marry me?"
The guy said, "No."
And the girl lived happily ever after and went shopping,
dancing, drank martinis, always had a clean house, never had
to cook, and farted whenever she wanted.
The End.

Joe gets up at 6 a.m. and fills his coffeepot with
water to prepare his morning coffee. The water is clean and good because some tree-hugging liberal fought for minimum water-quality standards. With his first swallow of water, he takes his daily medication. His medications are safe to take because some stupid commie liberal fought to ensure their safety and that they work as advertised.

All but $10 of his medications are paid for by his employer's medical plan because some liberal union workers fought their employers for paid medical insurance - now Joe gets it too. He prepares his morning breakfast, bacon and eggs.
Joe's bacon is safe to eat because some girlie-man liberal fought for laws to regulate the meat packing industry.

In the morning shower, Joe reaches for his shampoo.
His bottle is properly labeled with each ingredient and its amount in the total contents because some crybaby liberal fought for his right to know what he was putting on his body and how much it contained.

Joe dresses, walks outside and takes a deep breath. The air he breathes is clean because some environmentalist wacko liberal fought for the laws to stop industries from polluting our air.
He walks on the government-provided sidewalk to subway station for his government-subsidized ride to work. It saves him considerable money in parking and transportation fees because some fancy-pants liberal fought for affordable public transportation, which gives everyone the opportunity to be a contributor.

Joe begins his work day. He has a good job with excellent pay, medical benefits, retirement, paid holidays and vacation because some lazy liberal union members fought and died for these working standards. Joe's employer pays these standards because Joe's employer doesn't want his employees to call the union. If Joe is hurt on the job or becomes unemployed, he'll get a worker compensation or unemployment check because some stupid liberal didn't think he should lose his home because of his temporary misfortune.

It is noontime and Joe needs to make a bank depositso he can pay some bills. Joe's deposit is federally insured by the FSLIC because some godless liberal wanted to protect Joe's money from unscrupulous bankers who ruined the banking system before the Great Depression.

Joe has to pay his Fannie Mae-underwritten mortgage and his below-market  federal student loan because some elitist liberal decided that Joe and the government would be better off if he was educated and earned more money over his lifetime. Joe also forgets that his in addition to his federally subsidized student loans, he attended a state funded university.

Joe is home from work. He plans to visit his father this evening at his farm home in the country. He gets in his car for the drive. His car is among the safest in the world because some America-hating liberal fought for car safety standards to go along with the tax-payer funded roads. He arrives at his boyhood home. His was the third generation to live in the house financed by Farmers' Home Administration because bankers didn't want to make rural loans.

The house didn't have electricity until some big-government liberal stuck his nose where it didn't belong and demanded rural electrification.

He is happy to see his father, who is now retired.
His father lives on Social Security and a union pension because some wine-drinking, cheese eating liberal made sure he could take care of himself so Joe wouldn't have to.

Joe gets back in his car for the ride home, and turns on a radio talk show. The radio host keeps saying that liberals are bad and conservatives are good. He doesn't mention that the beloved Republicans have fought against every protection and benefit Joe enjoys throughout his day.

Joe agrees: "We don't need those big-government liberals ruining our lives! After all, I'm a self-made man who believes everyone should take care of themselves, just like I have."


Headlines from the year 2034

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the 7th largest country in the world, Mexifornia formally known as California. White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language.

Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.

Baby conceived naturally . Scientists stumped.

Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.

Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in Bushra; the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iraq, Afghanistan, Syria and Lebanon).
Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica.

Castro finally dies at age 115; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.

Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.

Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed, they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.

Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.

Congress authorizes direct deposit of formerly illegal political contributions to campaign accounts.

Capitol Hill intern indicted for refusing to have sex with congressman.

IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.


> The Pentagon announced today the formation of a new 500-man elite
>fighting unit called the United States Redneck Special Forces. These
>Alabama, Arkansas, Georgia, Kentucky, Mississippi, Missouri, Oklahoma,
>Tennessee, and Texas boys will be dropped off into Iraq and have been given
>only the following facts about terrorists:
> 1. The season opened today.
> 2. There is no limit.
> 3. They taste just like chicken.
> 4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music, or Jesus.
> 5. They are DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE for the death of Dale Earnhardt.
> We expect the problem in Iraq to be over by Friday.

The Turkey Hunter

 An 80-year-old man went to the country doctor for a check-up.  The doctor was amazed at what good shape the guy was in.  The doctor asked, "To what do you attribute your good health?"

 The old timer said, "I'm a turkey hunter, and that's why I'm in such good shape.  I'm up before daylight and out chasing turkeys up and down the mountains."

 The doctor said, "Well, I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it.  How old was your dad when he died?"

 The old timer said, "Who said my dad's dead?"

 The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 and your dad's still alive?  How old is he?"

 The old timer said, "100.  In fact, he hunted turkeys with me this morning and that's why he's still alive....he's a turkey hunter."

 The doctor said, "Well that's great, but I am still sure there's more to it.  How about your dad's dad?  How old was he when he died?"

 The old timer said, "Who said my grandpa's dead?"

 The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 and your grandpa's still living!  How old is he?"

 The old timer said, "He's 118."

 The doctor was getting frustrated at this point and said, "I suppose he went turkey hunting with you this morning too?"

 The old timer said, "No Grandpa could not go this morning because he was getting married."

 The doctor said in amazement, "Married!  Why would a 118-year-old guy want to get married?"

 The old timer said, "Who said he wanted to?"


If you receive an email  entitled
"Bedtimes"delete it IMMEDIATELY. Do not open it . Apparently this one is pretty nasty. It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer. It demagnetizes the stripes on ALL of your credit cards. It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR, and uses subspace  field harmonics to scratch any CDs you attempt to play. It will program  your phone auto dial to call only 0898 numbers. This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank.

IT WILL CAUSE YOUR TOILET TO FLUSH WHILE YOU ARE SHOWERING. It will drink  ALL your beer. FOR GOODNESS' SAKE, ARE YOU LISTENING?? It will leave dirty  underwear on the coffee table when you are expecting company. It will  replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine. If the  "Bedtimes" message opened in a Windows 95/98 environment, it will leave  the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to  a  full bathtub. It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, it will also refill your skim milk with whole milk.


And if you don't send this to 5000 people in 20 seconds, you'll
fart so hard that your right leg will spasm and shoot straight
out in front of you, sending sparks that will ignite the person
nearest you.
Send this warning to everyone!!! THERE'S A LOT OF SADNESS IN THE
WORLD!  Right now, as you read this, 17 million people are having
SEX!!! And look at you - you're on the computer!!!!




President Bush has authorized the Joint Chiefs to begin drawing up a
battle plan to pull France's ass out of the fire again.
Facing an apparent overwhelming force of up to 400 pissed off teenagers
Bush doubts France's ability to hold off the little pissants. "Hell, if
the last two world wars are any indication, I would expect France to
surrender any day now", said Bush. Joint Chiefs head, Gen. Peter Pace,
warned the President that it might be necessary to send up to 5 marines
to get things under control. The general admitted that 5 marines may be
overkill but he wanted to get this thing under control within 24 hours
of arriving on scene. He stated he was having a hard time finding even
one marine who wanted to help those ungrateful bastards out for a third
time but thought that he could persuade a few women marines to do the
job before they went shopping.
President Bush asked Gen. Pace to get our marines out of there as soon
as possible after order was restored. He also reminded Gen. Pace to make
sure the marines did not take soap, razors, or deodorant with them. The
more they blend in, the better.




It is important for men to remember that, as women
grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain

the same quality of housekeeping as when they were
younger.  When you notice this, try not to yell at
them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing
worse than an oversensitive woman .  


My name is Ron ...  Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Julie.  When I took
"early retirement"  last year, it became necessary for Julie to get a full-time job, both for extra
income and for the health  insurance that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she
was beginning to show her age.  I usually get home from the golf course about the same time she gets
home from work.  Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an
hour or so before she starts dinner.  I don't yell at her.  Instead, I tell her to take her time and  just wake me when she gets dinner on the table.  I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the BR club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for
some home-cooked grub when I hit that door ...

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating.  But now it's not unusual for them to sit on
the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times
each evening that they won't clean themselves.  I  know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to
motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example, she will say that it is difficult for
her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour.  But, boys, we take 'em for better or
worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement.  I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three
days.  That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now
and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean).  I like to think tact is one of my strong

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break
when she was only half-finished mowing the backyard.  I try not to make a scene.  I'm a fair man.  I tell
her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly-squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while.
And, as long as she is making one for herself, she  may as well make one for me too. 

I know I probably look like a Saint in the way I support Julie.  I'm not saying that showing this
much consideration is easy.  Many men will find it difficult.  Some will find it impossible!  Nobody
knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older.  However, fellas,  even if you use just a little more tact and a little less criticism of your aging wife because of this article,  I will consider that writing it was 
well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other ...


EDITOR'S NOTE:  Ron died suddenly Thursday 2nd of december 2005. He was found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II (golf club) rammed up his ass, with only 2 inches of grip showing.  His wife Julie was arrested, but the all-woman jury accepted her defense that he accidentally sat down on it very suddenly.



A 92-year-old, petite, well-poised and proud man, who is fully dressed
each morning by eight o'clock, with his hair fashionably coifed and shaved
perfectly applied, even though he is legally blind, moved to a nursing
home today. His wife of 70 years recently passed away, making the move
After many hours of waiting patiently in the lobby of the nursing home,
he smiled sweetly when told his room was ready.

As he maneuvered his walker to the elevator, I provided a visual
description of his tiny room, including the eyelet sheets that had been hung on his

"I love it," he stated with the enthusiasm of an eight-year-old having
just been presented with a new puppy.

"Mr. Jones, you haven't seen the room; just wait."

"That doesn't have anything to do with it," he replied.

"Happiness is something you decide on ahead of time. Whether I like my
room or not doesn't depend on how the furniture is arranged ... it's how I
arrange my mind. I already decided to love it.  It's a decision I make
every morning when I wake up. I have a choice; I can spend the day in bed
recounting the difficulty I have with the parts of my body that no longer
work, or get out of bed and be thankful for the ones that do."

Each day is a gift, and as long as my eyes open I'll focus on the new day
and all the happy memories I've stored away.  Just for this time in my life.

Old age is like a bank account.  You withdraw from what you've put in.

So, my advice to you would be to deposit a lot of happiness in the bank
account of memories.

Thank you for your part in filling my Memory bank.  I am still depositing!

Remember the five simple rules to be happy:

1. Free your heart from hatred.
2. Free your mind from worries.
3. Live simply.
4. Give more.
5. Expect less.
 A man and his wife were sitting in the living room and he said to her,
 "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent
 on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull
 the plug."
 His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all of his beer.

>>> Jaeann Dean 12/08/05 1:54 PM >>>
>  Thought you might find this interesting.  Wasn't it last Christmas
>that Target refused to let the Salvation Army ring their bells in
>of their stores?
>Dick Forrey of the Vietnam Veterans Association wrote, "Recently we
>asked the local TARGET store to be a proud sponsor of the Vietnam
>Veterans Memorial Wall during our spring recognition event.
>We received the following reply from the local TARGET management:
>"Veterans do not meet our area of giving.  We only donate to the arts,
>social action groups, gay & lesbian causes, and education."
>So I'm thinking, if the Vietnam Veterans Memorial Wall and veterans in
>general, do not meet their donation criteria, then something is really
>wrong at this TARGET store.  We were not asking for thousands of
>dollars, not even hundreds, just a small sponsorship for a memorial
>As a follow-up, I emailed the TARGET U.S. Corporate Headquarters and
>their response was the same.  That's their national policy.
>Then I looked into the company further.  They will not allow the
>Marines to collect for 'Toys for Tots' at any of their stores.  During
>the recent Iraq deployment, they would not allow families of employees
>who were called up for active duty to continue their insurance
>while they were on military service.  Then as I dig further, TARGET is
>a French-owned corporation.
>Now, I'm thinking again.  If TARGET cannot support American Veterans,
>then why should my family and I support their stores by spending our
>hard earned American dollars and have their profits sent to France.
>Without the American Vets, where would France be today?
>"They, most likely would be speaking German and trading in Deutsch
>Dick Forrey
>Veterans Helping Veterans


A driver is stuck in a  traffic jam on the highway.  Nothing is moving.
Suddenly a man  knocks on the window.
The driver rolls down his window and asks,  "What happened?"
"Terrorists have kidnapped Hillary Clinton, Ted Kennedy, Jesse Jackson,
and Al Sharpton.  They are  asking for a $10 million ransom.  Otherwise
they are going to douse them with gasoline and set them on fire.  We are
going from car to car, taking up a collection."

The driver asks, "How much is  everyone giving, on average?"

"About a gallon." 
***********************************************************************ubject: Groundhog Day

This year, both Groundhog Day and the State of the Union Address fall on
the same day. As Air America Radio pointed out, "It is an ironic
juxtaposition: one involves a meaningless ritual in which we look to a
creature of little intelligence for prognostication, and the other
involves a groundhog."


Thank you President Bush, you have done it to us all again. Read on:

"Deficit Reduction Act" has Long Islanders worried about Medicaid

(02/03/06) MASSAPEQUA PARK - A new act passed by Congress aimed at reducing
the deficit has many Long Islanders worried about Medicaid benefits.

Under the new law, nine million Medicaid beneficiaries will have to pay yearly
premiums and co-pays for doctor visits. The bill affects roughly 160,000
eligible Long Islanders, and experts believe thousands will be forced off and
left without medical care. Welfare advocates say the law is "war on the
working middle class."

The bill also raises interest rates on federal student loans from 4.7 percent
to 6.8. Congressman Peter King (R-NY) supports the plan, saying it is balanced
and will give $1 billion to the nation's first responders. President Bush is
expected to sign off on the bill next week.



Mujibar was trying to get into the USA legally through immigration. The
officer said, "Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except there is
one more test. Unless you pass it, you cannot enter the United States of
America. Mujibar said, "I am ready." The officer said, "Make a sentence
using the words Yellow, Pink and Green."

Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, "Mister Officer, I am ready."
The Officer said, "Go ahead."

Mujibar said, "The telephone goes green, green, green, and I pink it up, and
say, 'Yellow, this is Mujibar.'"

Mujibar now lives in a neighborhood near you and works at a Verizon help
desk. I talked to him yesterday


The Bathtub Sanity Test
>It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this
>should help get you started. During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor
>asked the Director what the criteria was which defined whether or not a
>patient should be institutionalized.
>"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, and then we offer a
>teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty
>the bathtub."
>"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket
>because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
>"No," said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want
>a bed near the window?"

This is for all the Italians out there, and those who are lucky enough to be married to an Italian, and even to all the friends of Italians.

An elderly Italian man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite Italian anisette sprinkle cookies wafting up the stairs. Gathering his remaining strength, he lifted himself from the bed.
Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands he crawled downstairs. With labored breath, he leaned against the doorframe, gazing into the kitchen. Where if not for death's agony, he
would have thought himself already in heaven. For there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his
favorite anisette sprinkled cookies.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted Italian wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a crumpled posture. His parched lips
parted, the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife..................
"Get out of Here!" she shouted, "They're for the funeral!"


A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand, totally drunk, stumbling back and forth.

A cop on the beat sees him and approaches "Can I help you sir?"

"Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr" the man replies. The cop asks

"Where was your car the last time you saw it?"


"It wasss on the end of thisshh key" the man replies.

About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's weiner hanging out of  his fly for all the world to see. He asks the man "Sir are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"  


Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and without missing a beat, blurts.......... "Holy shit ----- My girlfriend's gone, too


Subject: Female types


Three men were sitting together, bragging about how
they had given their new wives household duties.

The first man had married a woman from Indiana. He
bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do
all the dishes and house cleaning that needed done at
their house. He said that it took a couple days, but
on the third day he came home to a clean house, and
the dishes were all washed and put away.

The second man had married a woman from Ohio. He
bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was
to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. He
told them that the first day he didn't see any
results, but the next day it was better. By the third
day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he
had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married a  Long Island girll. He said that
he told her that her duties were to keep the house
cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry done, and
have hot meals on the table for every meal. He said
the first day he didn't see anything. The second day
he didn't see anything. But by the third day, some of
the swelling had gone down and he could see a little
out of his left eye just enough to fix himself a bite
to eat, load the dishwasher, and telephone a landscaper










Chain Letter For Men
At last.... A REAL Man's Chain Letter!
This chain letter was started in hopes of bringing relief to
other  tired  and  discouraged men.  Unlike most chain letters, this one  doesn't
cost  anything!  Just send a copy of this letter to five of your male friends who
are  equally  tired and discontent. Then bundle up your wife and/or girlfriend
and  send  her to the man whose name appears at the top of the following
list,  and  add  your name to the bottom of the list.
When your turn comes, you will receive 15,625 women.  One of them
is  bound  to be better than the one you already have.
At the writing of this letter, a friend of mine had already
received  184  women, four of whom were worth keeping.

This chain also brings good luck. One man's pit bull died, and
the next  day he received a Playboy playmate.

An unmarried Jewish man living with his widowed mother was able
to choose between a Hooter's waitress and a Hollywood super model.

You can be lucky too, but DO NOT BREAK THE CHAIN!  One man broke
the chain and got his wife back again.

 Let's keep it going, men!  Just add your name to the list below.

 Bill Clinton
 780 3rd Ave
 New York, NY 10017

Billy Clinton
 780 3rd Ave.
 New York, NY 10017

 Billie Clinton
 780 3rd Ave.
 New York, NY 10017

B. Clinton
780 3rd Ave.
New York, NY 10017

William Jefferson Clinton
>> >>> > >    780 3rd Ave.
>> >>> > >    New York, NY 10017
>> >>> > >
>> >>> > >    W. Jefferson Clinton
>> >>> > >    780 3rd Ave.
>> >>> > >    New York, NY 10017
>> >>> > >
>> >>> > >    W. Jeff Clinton
>> >>> > >    780 3rd Ave.
>> >>> > >    New York, NY 10017
>> >>> > >
>> >>> > >    W. J. Clinton 780 3rd Ave.
>> >>> > >    New York, NY 10017
>> >>> > >
>> >>> > >    W. Clinton
>> >>> > >    780 3rd Ave.
>> >>> > >    New York, NY 10017
>> >>> > >
>> >>> > >    William J Clinton
>> >>> > >    780 3rd Ave.
>> >>> > >    New York, NY 10017
>> >>> > >
>> >>> > >    Willem Clinton
>> >>> > >    780 3rd Ave.
>> >>> > >    New York, NY 10017
>> >>> > >
>> >>> > >    Wilhelm Clinton
>> >>> > >    780 3rd Ave.
>> >>> > >    New York, NY 10017
>> >>> > >
>> >>> > >    Billy Clinton
>> >>> > >    780 3rd Ave.
>> >>> > >    New York, NY 10017
>> >>> > >
>> >>> > >    Willie Clinton
>> >>> > >    780 3rd Ave.
>> >>> > >    New York, NY 10017
>> >>> > >
>> >>> > >    Will Clinton
>> >>> > >    780 3rd Ave.
>> >>> > >    New York, NY 10017
>> >>> > >
>> >>> > >    Mr. Hillary Clinton
>> >>> > >    780 3rd Ave.
>> >>> > >    New York,  10017