More jokes, statements, and others


Dear Husband

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good.  I've been

a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it.
These last two weeks have been hell.  Your boss called to tell me that you
had quit your job today and that was the last straw.  Last week, you came
home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked
your favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee.  You came home

and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching the game.

You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch me or anything.

Either you're cheating or you don't love me anymore, what ever the case is,

I'm gone.

P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't.  Your BROTHER and I are moving away

to West Virginia together!  Have a great life!

Your Ex-Wife


Dear Ex-Wife

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter.  It's true that you

and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry
from what you've been.  I watch sports so much to try to drown out your
constant nagging.  Too bad that doesn't work.  I did notice when you cut off
all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind was "You look
just like a man!"  My mother raised me to not say anything if you can't say
anything nice.  When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me
confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago.  

I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the price
tag was still on it.  I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had just
borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee was $49.99.  

After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out.  So when I
discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and
bought us two tickets to Jamaica.  But when I got home you were gone. Every-

thing happens for a reason I guess.  I hope you have the filling life you always
wanted.  My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime

from me.  So take care!

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother was born Carla.
I hope that's not a problem.

Rich As Hell and Free!




Doctor's receptionists  
This is so true!  
They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you say in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it's embarrassing.  
There's nothing worse than a doctor's receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients.  
I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.  
An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded doctor's waiting room. As he approached the desk, the receptionist said, " Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?"  
"There's something wrong with my dick," he replied.  
The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded doctor's room and say things like that."  
"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.  
The receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private."  
The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people things in a room full of others, if the answer could embarrass anyone."  
The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.  
The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"  
There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.  
The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, sir?"  
I can't piss out of it," the man replied.  
The waiting room erupted in laughter. 




Subject: Fw: Is there Sex after Death ?

> A couple made a deal that whomever died first would come back and inform
> the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there was no
> afterlife.
> After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his
> word, he made contact,
> "Mary . Mary .."  

"Is that you,  Dave?" 
> "Yes, I've come back like we agreed."    
> "What's it like?"
> "Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast, off to the
> golf course, I have sex. I bathe in the sun, then I have sex twice. I
> have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then
> sex pretty much all afternoon. After supper, golf course again. Then
> have sex until late at night. The next day it starts again."
> "Oh, Dave you surely must be in heaven."
> "Not exactly, I'm a rabbit on a golf course in Arizona."



A few days ago I was having some work done at the local Ford Dealership. A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten.
We all looked at each other and another customer asked, "What is a seven-hundred-ten?"
She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one." She said that she did not know what it was but this piece had always been there.
He gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to another car, which had its hood up and asked, "Is there a 710 on this car?"
She pointed and said, "Of course, it's right
"there." (Click on the word "there".)

It was an OIL cap turned upside down 710




President Bush and Sec. Rumsfeld are sitting in a bar.

A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Rumsfeld sitting over there?"

The bartender  says, "Yep, that's them."
So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honor! . What are  you guys doing in here?"

Bush says, "We're planning WW III."

And the guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"

Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 140 million Muslims  and one blonde with big tits."
The guy exclaimed, "A blonde with big tits? Why kill a blonde with big tits?"

Bush turns to Rumsfeld and says, "See, I told you no one  CARES about the 140 million Muslims".


Quote of the  Month
With hurricanes, tornado's, flooding, and severe t-storms tearing up the country from one end to another, earthquakes in Pakistan & bombings in London, Madrid & Bali  --------  the quote of the month is Jay Leno:
"Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?"



Slow down for three minutes to read this. It is so worth it.

Touching words from the mouth of babes.
What does Love mean?
A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8 year-olds, "What does love mean?"


The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined. See what you think:




"When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore.


So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love."

Rebecca- age 8





"When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different.
You just know that your name is safe in their mouth."

Billy - age 4





"Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other."

Karl - age 5





"Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs."


Chrissy - age 6




"Love is what makes you smile when you're tired."

Terri - age 4




"Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK."

Danny - age 7




"Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more.

My Mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss"

Emily - age 8




"Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen."

Bobby - age 7 (Wow!)




"If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate,"

Nikka - age 6
(we need a few million more Nikka's on this planet)




"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday."

Noelle - age 7




"Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well."

Tommy - age 6





"During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling.

He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore."

Cindy - age 8





"My mommy loves me more than anybody .

You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night."

Clare - age 6





"Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken."

Elaine-age 5





"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford."

Chris - age 7





"Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day."

Mary Ann - age 4




"I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones."

Lauren - age 4




"When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you." (what an image)

Karen - age 7




"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy on the toilet and she doesn't think it's gross."

Mark - age 6




"You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget."

Jessica - age 8




And the final one -- Author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia once talked about a contest he was asked to judge.

The purpose of the contest was to find the most caring child.

The winner was a four year old child whose next door neighbor was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife.

Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman's yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there.

When his Mother asked what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy said,


"Nothing, I just helped him cry"




When there is nothing left but God, that is when you find out that God is all you need. Take 60 seconds and give this a shot! All you do is simply say the following small prayer for the person who sent you this.

Father, God bless all my friends in whatever it is that You know they may be needing this day! And may their life be full of your peace, prosperity and power as he/she seeks to have a closer relationship with you. Amen.

Then send it on to five other people, including the one who sent it to you. Within hours you caused a multitude of people to pray for other people. Then sit back and watch the power of God work in your life.

P. S. Five is good, but more is better.


A husband and wife are watching T.V. in bed.
They are watching "Who Wants to be a Millionaire."
The husband turns to the wife and says, "Do you want to have sex?"
The wife says, "No."
The husband asks, "Is that your final answer?"
She says, "Yes."
He says, "Then I'd like to phone a friend




Driving Etiquette

A woman is driving at night on a narrow country road. At the same time a man is driving in the opposite direction on that same road.

When they narrowly pass each other at high speed, the woman rolls down her window and loudly shouts - HORSE! Immediately the man shouts back - WITCH!

The man laughs. He is proud to have reacted so quickly to the shouting woman and takes the next turn in the road, maintaining his speed.

The moral of this story:
Men never understand anything that a woman says!



 Stress Management

A lecturer, when explaining stress management to an audience, raised a glass of
water and asked, "How heavy is this glass of water?" Answers called out ranged
from 20g to 500g. The lecturer replied, "The absolute weight doesn't matter. It
depends on how long you try to hold it."

"If I hold it for a minute, that's not a problem If I hold it for an hour, I'll
have an ache in my right arm. If I hold it for a day, you'll have to call an
ambulance. "In each case, it's the same weight, but the longer I hold it, the
heavier it becomes."

He continued, "And that's the way it is with stress management. If we carry our
burdens all the time, sooner or later, as the burden becomes increasingly
heavy, we won't be able to carry on." "As with the glass of water, you have to
put it down for a while and rest before holding it again. When we're
refreshed, we can carry on with the burden."

"So, before you return home tonight, put the burden of work down. Don't carry
it home. You can pick it up tomorrow. Whatever burdens you're carrying now, let
them down for a moment if you can." "Relax; pick them up later after you've
rested. Life is short Enjoy it!

And then he shared some ways of dealing with the burdens of life:

Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.

Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.

Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.

Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.

If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to

Never buy a car you can't push.

Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you won't have
a leg to stand on.

Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

Since it's the early worm that gets eaten by the bird, sleep late.

The second mouse gets the cheese.

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live.

You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one

Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.

We could learn a lot from crayons. Some are sharp, some are pretty and some are
dull. Some have weird names, and all are different colors, but they all have to
live in the same box.

A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour



ubject: Having a bad day?

The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez Oil
spill in Alaska was $80,000.00. At a special ceremony, two of the most
expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid
cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a
killer whale ate them both.

Still think you are having a Bad Day?

A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking
frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire
running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt
him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank
of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had
been happily listening to his Walkman.

Still think you're having Bad Day?

Two animal rights defenders were protesting the cruelty of sending
pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly, all two thousand
pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly.
The two helpless protesters were trampled to death.

What?? STILL having a Bad Day?

Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter
bomb. It came back with "Return to Sender" stamped on it. Forgetting
it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.

There now, feeling better?


The Brick!!! Read It. Read this today and don't delete it if you are too
> busy!! You'll see.
> A young and successful executive was traveling down a neighborhood street,
> going a bit too fast in his new Jaguar. He was watching for kids darting
> out from between parked cars and slowed down
> when he thought he saw something. As his car passed, no children appeared.
> Instead, a brick smashed into the Jag's side door! He slammed on the
> brakes and backed the Jag back to the spot where the brick had been
> thrown. The angry driver
> then jumped out of the car, grabbed the nearest kid and pushed him up
> against
> a parked car shouting, "What was that all about and who are you? Just what
> the heck are you doing? That's a new car and that brick you threw is going
> to cost a lot of money. Why did you do it?" The young boy was apologetic.
> "Please, mister...please, I'm sorry but I didn't know what else to do," He
> pleaded. "I threw the brick because no one else would stop..." With tears
> dripping down his face and off his chin, the youth pointed to a spot just
> around a parked car. "It's my brother, "he said. "He rolled off the curb
> and fell out of his wheelchair and I can't lift him up."
> Now sobbing, the boy asked the stunned executive, "Would you please help
> me get him back into his wheelchair? He's hurt and he's too heavy for me."
> Moved beyond words, the driver tried to swallow the rapidly swelling lump
> in his throat. He hurriedly lifted the handicapped boy back into the
> wheelchair, then took out a linen handkerchief and dabbed at the fresh
> scrapes and cuts. A quick look told him everything was going to be okay.
> "Thank you and may God bless you," the grateful child told the stranger.
> Too shook up for words, the man simply watched the boy! push his
> wheelchair-bound brother down the sidewalk toward their home.
> It was a long, slow walk back to the Jaguar. The damage was very
> noticeable, but the driver never bothered to repair the dented side door.
> He kept the dent there to remind him of this message: "Don't go through
> life so fast that someone has to throw a brick at you to get your
> attention!" God whispers in our souls and speaks to our hearts. Sometimes
> when we don't have time to listen, He has to throw a brick at us. It's our
> choice to listen or not.
> Thought for the Day:
> If God had a refrigerator, your picture would be on it.
> If He had a wallet, your photo would be in it.
> He sends you flowers every spring.
> He sends you a sunrise every morning Face it, friend - He is crazy about
> you!
> Send this to every "beautiful person" you wish to bless.
> God didn't promise days without pain, laughter without sorrow,sun without
> rain, but He did promise strength for the day, comfort for the tears, and
> light for the way.
> Read this line very slowly and let it sink in...
> If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it.
> Pass this message to seven people except you and me.
> You will receive a miracle tomorrow ( just do it)!


A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car
and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde. The blonde
cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her purse and
was getting progressively more agitated. "What does it look like?" she finally
asked. The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."
The driver finally found a square mirror, looked at it and handed it to the
policewoman. "Here it is," she said. The blonde officer looked at the mirror,
then handed it back saying,
"Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."




Subject: Funny Lizard Story

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome
including toilet-flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you
laughing out LOUD!

Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.

Here's what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something
wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room. "He's just
lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"

I put my best lizard-healer statement on my face and followed him into his
bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking
stressed. I immediately knew what to do.

"Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"

"Oh my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies."

"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"

I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want
them to reproduce," I accused my wife. "Well, what do you want me to do, post a
sign in their cage?" she inquired (I actually think she said this
sarcastically!). "No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her
(in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together).
"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!"
my son agreed.

"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she informed me
(Again with the sarcasm, you think?).

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I
shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.

Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience, I announced. We're about to
witness the miracle of birth."

"OH, Gross! they shrieked. "Well, isn't THAT just Great!

What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?" my wife
wanted to know (I really do think she was being snotty here, too. don't you?).

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot
would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later. "We don't appear to be
making much progress," I noted.

"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified. "Do something, Dad!" my son urged.
"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next
appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times
with the same results.
Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know.

"Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the
females in my house?)

"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son
holding the cage in his lap.

"Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged. "I don't think lizards do La maze," his
mother noted to him.
(Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one
thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal
through a magnifying glass. "What do you think, Doc, a C-section?"

I suggested scientifically. "Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr.
and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?" I gulped, nodding
for my son to step outside.
Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked. "Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us.
"This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie
is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally , as they come into
maturity, like most male species, they Just the way he
did, lying on his back."

He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr.
Cameron." We were silent, absorbing this. "So Ernie's just...just...
Excited," my wife offered. "Exactly", the vet replied, relieved that we
More silence.

Then my viscous, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh
loudly. "What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the
woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.

Tears were now running down her face. "It's just...
that... I'm picturing you pulling on its... its... teeny little..." she gasped
for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the Veterinarian and hurriedly bundled
the lizards and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to
be okay.

"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad ," he told me.

"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

2 - Lizards - $140...

1 - Cage - $50...

Trip to the Vet - $30...

Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's whacker...Priceless...




My son came home from school one day,
with a smirk upon his face.
He decided he was smart enough,
to put me in my place.

"Guess what I learned in Civics Two,
that's taught by Mr. Wright?
It's all about the laws today,
The 'Children's Bill of Rights.'

It says I need not clean my room,
don't have to cut my hair
No one can tell me what to think,
or speak, or what to wear.

I have freedom from religion,
and regardless what you say,
I don't have to bow my head,
and I sure don't have to pray.

I can wear earrings if I want,
and pierce my tongue &nose.
I can read &watch just what I like,
get tattoos from head to toe.

And if you ever spank me,
I'll charge you with a crime.
I'll back up all my charges,
with the marks on my behind.

Don't you ever touch me,
my body's only for my use,
not for your hugs and kisses,
that's just more child abuse.

Don't preach about your morals
like your Mama did to you.
That's nothing more than mind control,
And it's illegal too!

Mom, I have these children's rights,
so you can't influence me,
or I'll call Children's Services Division,
better known as C.S.D."

Of course my first instinct was
to toss him out the door.
But the chance to teach him a lesson
made me think a little more.

I mulled it over carefully,
I couldn't let this go.
A smile crept upon my face;
he's messing with a pro.

Next day I took him shopping
at the local Goodwill Store.
I told him, "Pick out all you want,
there's shirts &pants galore.

I've called and checked with C.S.D.
who said they didn't care
if I bought you K-Mart shoes
instead of those Nike Airs.

I've canceled that appointment
to take your driver's test.
The C.S.D. is unconcerned
so I'll decide what's best."

I said "No time to stop and eat,
or pick up stuff to munch.
And tomorrow you can start to learn
to make your own sack lunch.

Just save the raging appetite,
and wait till dinner time.
We're having liver and onions,
a favorite dish of mine."

He asked "Can I please rent a movie,
to watch on my VCR?"
"Sorry, but I sold your TV,
for new tires on my car.

I also rented out your room;
you'll take the couch instead.
The C.S.D. requires
just a roof over your head.

Your clothing won't be trendy now;
I'll choose what we eat.
That allowance that you used to get,
will buy me something neat.

I'm selling off your jet ski,
dirt-bike &roller blades.
Check out the 'Parents Bill of Rights',
It's in effect today!

Hey hot shot, are you crying,
Why are you on your knees?
Are you asking God to help you out,
instead of C.S.D..?"

Send to all people that have teenagers or have already raised teenagers,
or have children who will soon be teenagers or those who will be
parents someday
OR ANYONE WHO'D JUST GET A LAUGH ...I love this One!!!
From a MOM (Mean Old Mother.).)


Subject: RE: funny

> This equation should be taught in all math classes!
> From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:
> What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder
about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been
to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about
achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?
> Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these
> If:
> A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:
> 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
> Then:
> H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
> 8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
> and
> K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
> 11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
> But,
> A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
> 1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
> And,
> B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
> 2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
> AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.
> A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
> 1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
> So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work
> and
Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the
BullshiT and Ass kissing that will put you over the top

Words with two Meanings

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.... Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female.... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-__expression, male bonding.

7 . REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.


He said . . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.

She said . . .You wear pants don't you?

He said . Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said . That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on
the sofa and fart!

He said . ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said . ....Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said . . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
She said . We don't know; it has never happened.
He said . . . Why are married women heavier than single women?

She said . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.





As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that
wasn't supposed to ever let you down probably will.
You will have your heart broken probably more than
once and it's harder every time. You'll break hearts
too, so remember how it felt when yours was broken.
You'll fight with your best friend. You'll blame a new
love for things an old one did. You'll cry because
time is passing too fast, and you'll eventually lose
someone you love. So take too many pictures, laugh too
much, and love like you've never been hurt because
every sixty seconds you spend upset is a minute of
happiness you'll never get back. So send this to all
of your friends in the next 5 minutes and a
miracle will happen tonight



For all the Italians out there, or those who are lucky enough to be married
to an Italian, or even to be friends of Italians.

An elderly Italian man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies
of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite Italian
anisette sprinkle cookies wafting up the stairs. Gathering his remaining
strength, he lifted himself from the bed.

Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and
with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled
downstairs. With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing
the kitchen.

Where if not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in
heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were
literally hundreds of his favorite anisette sprinkled cookies. Was it
was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted Italian wife of sixty
years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table,
landing on his knees in a crumpled posture. His parched lips parted, the
taste of the cookie was already in his moth, seemingly bringing him back to
life. The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the
of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.....

"Back off!" she said, "They're for the funeral."


The Hypnotist

A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those
headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone." "No more
headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?" His wife replies, "Margie
referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at
myself and repeat 'I do not have a headache; I do not have a headache, I do not

have a headache.' It worked! The headaches are all gone." The husband replies,
"Well, that is wonderful." His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been
exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go
the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?" The husband agrees to
it. Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes,
picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and
says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." He goes into the bathroom and comes
back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his
wife like never before. His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!" The husband
says, "Don't move! I will be right back." He goes back into the bathroom, comes

back and round two was even better than the first time. The wife sits up and
head is spinning. Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."
With that, he goes back in the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly follows
him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying,

"She's not my wife. She's not my wife. She's not my wife!" His funeral services

will be held on Monday



 Subject: Isn't this amazing?
> Accounts Receivable Tax
> Building Permit Tax
> Capital Gains Tax
> CDL license Tax
> Cigarette Tax
> Corporate Income Tax
> Court Fines
> (indirect taxes)
> Dog License Tax
> Federal Income Tax
> Federal Unemployment Tax
> (FUTA)
> Fishing License Tax
> Food License Tax
> Fuel permit tax
> Gasoline Tax
> (42 cents per gallon)
> Hunting License Tax
> Inheritance Tax Interest expense
> (tax on the money)
> Inventory tax IRS Interest Charges
> (tax on top of tax)
> IRS Penalties
> (tax on top of tax)
> Liquor Tax
> Local Income Tax
> Luxury Taxes
> Marriage License Tax
> Medicare Tax
> Property Tax
> Real Estate Tax
> Recreational Vehicle Tax
> Road Toll Booth Taxes
> Road Usage Taxes
> (Truckers)
> Sales Taxes
> School Tax
> Septic Permit Tax
> Service Charge Taxes
> Social Security Tax
> State Income Tax
> State Unemployment Tax
> (SUTA)
> Telephone federal excise tax
> Telephone federal universal service fee tax
> Telephone federal, state and
> local surcharge taxes
> Telephone minimum usage surcharge tax
> Telephone recurring and non-recurring charges
> tax
> Telephone state and local tax
> Telephone usage charge tax
> Toll Bridge Taxes
> Toll Tunnel Taxes
> Traffic Fines
> (indirect taxation)
> Trailer registration tax
> Utility Taxes
> Vehicle License Registration Tax
> Vehicle Sales Tax
> Watercraft registration Tax
> Well Permit Tax
> Workers Compensation Tax
> Not one of these taxes existed 100 years ago
> and our nation was the most prosperous in the world,
> had absolutely no national debt, had the largest
> middle class in the world and Mom stayed home to
> raise the kids.
> What the hell happened ?



On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play
> together. One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog
> and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the
> chicken to go get the farmer for help! Off the chicken ran, back to
> the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the
> farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only
> tractor. Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley.
> Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length
> of rope hoping he still
> had time to save his friend's life. Back at the bog, the horse was
> surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley,
> and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to
> him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's
> bike, the
> chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful
> bike, rescued the horse! Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley
> back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he
> returned. The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best
> Buddies, Best Pals. A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud
> pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to
> save his life! The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled
> the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his
> hangy-down thing and he would then lift him out of the pit. The
> chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving
> his life.
> The moral of the story? (yep, there's a moral!) >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
> "When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up
> Chicks!"



Three men were sitting together bragging about how
they had told their new wives what their household
duties were to be.

The first man had married a woman from Tennessee. He
bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do
all the dishes and house cleaning. He said it took a
couple days, but on the third day he came home to a
clean house and the dishes were done.

The second man had married a woman from Florida. He
bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was
to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. On the
first day he didn't see any results, but the next day
it was better. By the third day, his house was clean,
the dishes were done and he had a huge dinner on the

The third man married a girl from Long Island. He
boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep
the house clean, dishes washed, lawn mowed,laundry
washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He
said the first day he didn't see anything, the second
day he didn't see anything but by the third day most
of the swelling had gone down and he could see a
little out of his left eye - just enough to fix
himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, find a
cleaning lady, and telephone a landscaper. Gotta love
those Long Island girls.-



I thought I should share this with you...only take a minute of your time.
I received this from a good friend who had a choice to make. It said that I
had a choice to make too. I've chosen. Now it's your turn to choose.
The story goes that some time ago a man punished his 5-year-old daughter for
wasting a roll of expensive gold wrapping paper. Money was tight and he became
even upset when the child pasted the gold paper so as to decorate a box to put
under the Christmas tree. Nevertheless, the little girl brought the gift box
to her father the next morning and said, "This is for you, Daddy." The father
was embarrassed by his earlier over reaction, but his anger flared again when
he found the box was empty. He spoke to her in a harsh manner, "Don't you
know, young lady, when you give someone a present there's supposed to be
something inside the package?"
The little girl looked up at him with tears in her eyes and said, "Oh,
Daddy, it's not empty. I blew kisses into it until it was full." The father
was crushed. He fell on his knees and put his arms around this little girl,
and he begged her to forgive him for his unnecessary anger.
An accident took the life of the child only a short time later and it is
told that the father kept that gold box by his bed for all the years of his
life. And whenever he was discouraged or faced difficult problems he would
open the box and take out an imaginary kiss and remember the love of the child
who had put it there.
In a very real sense, each of us as human beings have been given a golden
box filled with unconditional love and kisses from our children, family,
friends and God. There is no more precious possession anyone could hold.
You now have two choices. You can:l
* 1- Pass this on to your friends, or
* 2- Delete it and act like it didn't touch your heart.
As you can see, I took choice No. 1.
Friends are like angels who lift us to our feet when our wings have trouble
remembering how to fly. It is nice finding something positive out of every
negative, which we don't always manage to do.
I am thankful....
For the partner who snores all night, because he is at home asleep with me
and not with someone else.
For the taxes that I pay, because it means that I am employed.

For the clothes that fit a little too snug, because it means I have enough
to eat.
For my shadow that watches me work, because it means I am out in the
For a floor that needs mopping, and windows that need cleaning, because it
means I have a home.
For all the complaining I hear about the government, because it means that
we have freedom of speech.
For the parking spot I find at the far end of the parking lot, because it
means I am capable of walking and that have been blessed with transportation.
For the pile of laundry and ironing, because it means I have clothes to
For weariness and aching muscles at the end of the day, because it means I
have been capable of working hard.
For the alarm that goes off in the early morning hours, because it means
that I am alive. AND FINALLY...
For too much e-mail, because it means I have friends who are thinking of me.


A Love Story

I will seek and find you . . .

I shall take you to bed and have my way with you .

I will make you ache, shake &sweat until you moan &groan

I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop.

I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I'm
finished with you.

And, when I am finished, you will be weak for days.

All my love,

The Flu
Now, go get your flu shot


Good one.
Here's one for you.
Dear Husband

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good.  I've been

a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it.
These last two weeks have been hell.  Your boss called to tell me that you
had quit your job today and that was the last straw.  Last week, you came
home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked
your favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee.  You came home

and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching the game.

You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch me or anything.

Either you're cheating or you don't love me anymore, what ever the case is,

I'm gone.

P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't.  Your BROTHER and I are moving away

to West Virginia together!  Have a great life!

Your Ex-Wife


Dear Ex-Wife

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter.  It's true that you

and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry
from what you've been.  I watch sports so much to try to drown out your
constant nagging.  Too bad that doesn't work.  I did notice when you cut off
all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind was "You look
just like a man!"  My mother raised me to not say anything if you can't say
anything nice.  When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me
confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago.  

I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the price
tag was still on it.  I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had just
borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee was $49.99.  

After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out.  So when I
discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and
bought us two tickets to Jamaica.  But when I got home you were gone. Every-

thing happens for a reason I guess.  I hope you have the filling life you always
wanted.  My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime

from me.  So take care!

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother was born Carla.
I hope that's not a problem.

Rich As Hell and Free!




> > > > > > >>
> > > > > > >>A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She
> > > > > > tells the mechanic it
> > > > > > >>died.
> > > > > > >>
> > > > > > >>After he works on it for a few minutes, it's
> > > > > > idling smoothly. She says,
> > > > > > >>
> > > > > > >>"What's the story?" He replies, "Just crap in the
> > > > > > carburetor."
> > > > > > >>
> > > > > > >>She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"


>----- Women Need Me!
>A man has spent many days crossing the desert without water. His camel dies
>of thirst. He's crawling through the sands, certain that he has breathed
>last, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand
>several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the
>sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case. He opens it and out
>pops a genie....
>But this is no ordinary genie. He is wearing an IRS ID badge and dull grey
>suit. There's a calculator in his pocket. He has a pencil tucked behind one
>"Well, kid," says the genie. "You know how it works. You have three
>"I'm not falling for this." says the man. "I'm not going to trust an IRS
>"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like
>you're a goner anyway!"
>The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is
>"OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink."
>The man finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he
>is surrounded with jugs of wine and platers of delicacies.
>"OK, kid, what's your second wish."
>"My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams."
>The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold
>coins and precious gems.
>"OK, kid, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"
>After thinking for a few minutes, the man says: "I wish that no matter
>I go beautiful women will want and need me."
>He is turned into a tampon.
>The moral of the story?
>If the IRS offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached.


Subject:           JOKE
>Jesus was wandering around Jerusalem when He decided that He really
>a new robe. After looking around for a while, He saw a sign for
>the Tailor. So, He went in and made the necessary arrangements to have
>Finkelstein prepare a new robe for him.
>A few days later, when the robe was finished, Jesus tried it on and it
>was a
>perfect fit!
>He asked how much He owed but Finkelstein brushed him off: "No, no, no,
>the Son of God? There's no charge! However, may I ask for a small favor?
>Whenever you give a sermon, perhaps you could just mention that your
>new robe was made by Finkelstein the Tailor."
>Jesus readily agreed and as promised, extolled the virtues of his
>Finkelstein robe whenever He spoke to the masses.
>A few months later, while Jesus was again walking through Jerusalem, He
>happened to walk past Finkelstein's shop and noted a huge line of people
>waiting for Finkelstein's robes. He pushed his way through the crowd to
>speak to him and as soon as Finkelstein spotted Him he said: "Jesus,
>look what you've done for my business!" "Would you consider a
>"Certainly," replied Jesus, "Jesus & Finkelstein it is."
>"Oh, no, no," said Finkelstein. "Finkelstein & Jesus, after all, I am
>the craftsman." The two of them debated this for some time. Their
>discussion was long and spirited, but ultimately fruitful and they finally
>came up
>with a mutually acceptable compromise.
>A few days later, the new sign went up over Finkelstein's shop.
>Can you guess what it read?? 

>Are you sure you want to know? 

>Here it comes...

>Don't say you weren't warned. 




A man takes the day off work and
>decides to go out golfing.
>He is on the second hole when he
>notices a frog sitting next to
>the green.
>He thinks nothing of it and is
>about to shoot when he
>hears, Ribbit 9 Iron."
>The man looks around and doesn't
>see anyone. Again, he
>hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron." He looks
>at the frog and decides to
>prove the frog wrong, puts the
>club away, and grabs a 9 iron.
>He hits it 10 inches from the
>cup. He is shocked. He says
>to the frog, "Wow that's amazing.
>You must be a lucky frog, eh?
>The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog."
>The man decides to take the frog
>with him to the next hole.
>"What do you think frog?" the
>man asks. "Ribbit 3 wood."
>The guy takes out a 3 wood and,
>Boom! Hole in one. The
>man is befuddled and doesn't know
>what to say. By the end
>of the day, the man golfed the
>best game of golf in his life and
>asks the frog, "OK where to next?"
>The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas.
>" They go to Las Vegas
>and the guy says, "OK frog, now
>what?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette." Upon
>approaching the roulette table, The man
>asks, "What do you think I should
>bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit
>$3000, black 6."
>Now, this is a
>million-to-one shot to win, but
>after the golf game the man
>figures what the heck.
>Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.
>The man takes his winnings and
>buys the best room in the
>hotel. He sits the frog down and
>says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you.
>You've won me all this money and
>I am forever grateful."
>The frog replies,
>"Ribbit Kiss Me."
>He figures why not,
>since after all the frog did for
>him, he deserves it. With a
>kiss, the frog turns into a
>gorgeous 15-year-old girl. "And that,
>your honor, is how the girl
>ended up in my room. So help me God
>or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton."


 A blind man and his seeing-eyed dog was
> > > > walking down the street, one day.They come to a busy
> > > > intersection, and the dog, ignoring the high volume
> > > > of traffic zooming by on the street,leads the blind
> > > > man right out into the thick of traffic.This is
> > > > followed by the screech of tires and horns blaring
> > > > as panicked drivers try desperately not to run the
> > > > pair down.... The blind man and the dog finally
> > > > reach the safety of the sidewalk on the other side
> > > > of the street.The blind man pulls out a cookie from
> > > > his coat pocket and offers it to his dog. A
> > > > passerby having seen the near fatal incident,can't
> > > > control his amazement and says to the blind man "Why
> > > > on earth are you rewarding your dog with a cookie?
> > > > He almost got you killed!"....The blind man turns
> > > > partially in his direction and replies,"To find out
> > > > where his head is,so I can kick his ass."
> > > >


An 85-year-old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count.
>The doctor gave the man a jar and said,
>"Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."
>The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and
>gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The
>doctor asked what happened and the man explained:
>"Well, doc, it's like this - First I tried with my right hand, but nothing.
>Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.
>Then I asked my wife for help.She tried with her right hand, then her
>left, still nothing.
>She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth
>out, and still nothing.
>We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with
>both hands, then an armpit and she even tried squeezin' it between her
>knees, but still nothing."
>The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"
>The old man replied,"Yep. And no matter what we tried,
>we still couldn't get the jar open."
>HaHa - What were you thinking?


A little girl asked her mother "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk
>around the block?"
>"No, I don't think so," replied the mother.
>"Fifi is in heat." "What does that mean?" asked the child. Embarrassed
>and not wanting to go into it with her young
>daughter, the mother said, "Oh, just go ask your father.
>The little girl finds the father working in the garage and says,
>"Dad, may I take Fifi for a walk around the block? I asked Mom but she
>said that Fifi was in heat, and that I had to come talk to you."
>Not wanting to explain it all to his young daughter, the father said,
>"Bring Fifi over here." He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and
>scrubbed the dog's rear end with it.
>"Okay, now you can go for a walk but keep Fifi on the leash and you can
>only go around the block once." The little girl left and returned a few
>minutes later with no
>dog on the leash.
>"Where's Fifi?" her father asked. "She'll be here in a minute," said the
>daughter. "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block and another
>dog is pushing her home."


>Bob wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open
>his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass
>of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of
>him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is
>in a perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes
>the aspirins and notices a note on the table "Honey, breakfast is on the
>stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you. "So he goes to the kitchen
>and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His
>son is also at the table, eating.
> >
>Bob asks, "Son, what happened last night?" His son ays, "Well, you came
>home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the
>hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."
> >
>Confused, Bob asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and
>breakfast is on the table waiting for me?" His son replies, "Oh that!
>Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants
>off you said, "Lady leave me alone, I'm married'!"


Ever wonder why A, B, C, D, E, F are used to define bra sizes?

      A - Almost Boobs

         B - Barely there

- Can Do

     D - Damn good

       E - Enormous

  F - Fake

> > Subject: FW:
> >
> > Terrorist pilot Mohammad Atta blew up a bus in Israel in 1986. The
> > Israelis captured, tried and imprisoned him.
> >
> > As part of the Oslo agreement with the Palestinians in 1993, Israel had
> > to agree to release so-call "political prisoners".  However, the
> > Israelis would not release any with blood on their hands.
> >
> > The American President at the time, Bill Clinton, and his Secretary of
> > State, Warren Christopher, "insisted" that all prisoners be released.
> >
> > Thus Mohammad Atta was freed and eventually thanked the US by flying an
> > airplane into Tower One of the World Trade Center. This was reported by
> > many of the American TV networks at the time that the terrorists were
> > first identified.  It was censored in the US from all later reports.
> >
> > If you agree that the American public must be made aware of this fact,
> > pass this on.
> >



Forgive me Father "Father, it has been one month since my last
confession. I have had sex with Nookie Green every week for the last
month" Nookie Green seems to be very popular with my male parishioners
the priest thinks. Then, he tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out
and say three Hail Mary's."

Soon, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two
months since my last confession. I have had sex with Nookie Green twice
a week for the last two months." This time the priest has to ask, "Who
is Nookie Green?"

"A new woman in the neighborhood," the sinner replies. "Very well,"
says the priest."Go and say ten Hail Mary's."

The priest leaves the church wondering, who in the world is Nookie
Green? The next morning in church the priest is preparing to deliver his
sermon, when suddenly a gorgeously tall woman enters. All the men's eyes
fall upon her, as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down right in
front of the priest. Her dress is green and way too short, with
matching shiny emerald green shoes. The priest and alter boys gasp, as
the woman in the matching green shoes and dress, sits with her legs
slightly spread apart.

The priest turns to the alter boy and asks, "Is that Nookie Green?"

The alter boy's eyes are popping out of his head, as he replies, "No, I
think it's just the reflection off her shoes!"


Andy Rooney On Prisons

Did you know that it costs forty-thousand dollars a year to house
each prisoner? Jeez, for forty-thousand bucks a piece I'll take a few
prisoners into my house. I live in Los Angeles. I already have bars
on the windows. I don't think we should give free room and board to
criminals. I think they should have to run twelve hours a day on a treadmill and
generate electricity. And if they don't want to run, they can rest in
the chair that's hooked up to the generator.

Andy Rooney On Ads In Bills

Have you ever noticed that they put advertisements in with your bills
now? Like bills aren't distasteful enough, they have to stuff junk
mail in there with them. I get back at them. I put garbage in with my check
when I mail it in. Coffee grinds, banana peels...I write, "Could you throw
this away for me? Thank You."

Andy Rooney On Fabric Softener

My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for.
Then I noticed women coming up to me (sniff) 'Married' (walk off).
That's how they mark their territory. You can take off the ring, but it's
hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes.

Andy Rooney On Morning Differences

Men and women are different in the morning. The men wake up aroused
in the morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we want you.
And the women are thinking, 'How can he want me the way I look in tthe
morning?' It's because we can't see you. We have no blood anywhere
near our optic nerve.

Andy Rooney On Phone-In-Polls

You know those shows where people call in and vote on different
issues? Did you ever notice there's always like 18% that say "I don't
know." It costs 90 cents to call up and vote and they're voting "I
don't know." "Honey, I feel very strongly about this. Give me the
phone."(Says Into Phone) "I DON'T KNOW!" (Hangs up looking proud.)
"Sometimes you have to stand up for what you believe you're not sure about."
This guy probably calls up phone sex girls for $2.95 to say "I'm not in the mood".

Andy Rooney On Cripes

My wife's from the Midwest. Very nice people there. Very wholesome.
They use words like 'Cripes'. 'For Cripe's sake.' Who would that be,
Jesus Cripe's? The son of 'Gosh' of the church of 'Holy Moly'? I'm not
making fun of it. You think I wanna burn in 'Heck'?

Andy Rooney On Grandma

My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, 'Sexy
Senior Citizen.' You don't want to think of your grandmother that
way, do you? Out entering wet shawl contests. Makes you wonder where she got
that dollar she gave you for your birthday.




Once upon a time (allegedly) in a nice little forest, there lived an
orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake.

By a surprising coincidence,both were blind from birth.

One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was
slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake
about quite a bit.

"Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt
you. I've been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am."

"It's quite OK," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is much the same as yours. I, too, have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother.

Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you, and work out what you are, so at least you'll have that going for you."

"Oh, that would be wonderful" replied the bunny. So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur; you have really long ears; your nose twitches; and you have a soft cottony tail.

I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit."

"Oh, thank you! Thank you," cried the bunny, in obvious excitement. The bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw, and help you the same way that you've helped me."

So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, "Well, you're smooth and slippery, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls. I'd say you must be French".



 What Hallmark Never Says

1. So your daughter's a hooker,
and it spoiled your day.
Look at the bright side,
it's really good pay.

2. My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat.
When I looked at the tire.
I noticed your cat. Sorry!

3. You had your bladder removed
and you're on the mend.
Here's a bouquet of flowers
and a box of Depends.

4. You've announced that you're gay,
won't that be a laugh,
when they find out you're one
of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.

5. Happy Vasectomy!
Hope you feel zippy!
Cause when I had mine
I got real snippy.

6. Heard your wife left you.
How upset you must be.
But don't fret about it.
She moved in with me

7. You totaled your car.
And can't remember why.
Could it have been.
That whole case of Bud Dry?

8. "Looking back over the years that we've been
together, I can't help but wonder:
What the f*** was I thinking?"

9. "Congratulations on your wedding day!
Too bad no one likes your wife."

10. "How could two people as beautiful as
you have such an ugly baby?"

11. "I've always wanted to have someone to
hold, someone to love.
After having met you, I've changed my mind."

12. "I must admit, you brought Religion in
my life. I never believed in Hell til I met you."

13. "As the days go by, I think of how
lucky I am that you're not here to ruin it for me."

14. "If I get only one thing for Christmas,
I hope it's your sister."

15. "As you grow older, Mum, I think of all
the gifts you've given me. Like the need for

16. "Thanks for being a part of my life!!! I
never knew what evil was before this!"

17. "Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go, would you like to take this knife
out of my back. You'll probably need it again."

18. "Someday I hope to get married, but not to

19. "Happy Birthday! You look great for your
age... Almost Lifelike!

20. "When we were together, you always said
you'd die for me. Now that we've broke up, I
think it's time you kept your promise."

21. "I knew the day would come when you
would leave me for my best friend. So here's his
leash, water bowl and chew toys."

22. "We have been friends for a very long
time, what say we call it quits."

23. "I'm so miserable without you, it's almost
as bad as if you were here."

24. "Congratulations on your new bundle of
joy. Did you ever find out who the father was?"

25. "You are such a good friend that if we
were on a sinking ship and there was only one
life jacket....I'd miss you a lot and think of you

26. "Your friends and I wanted to do something
special for your birthday- so we're having you put to

27. "Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!!" (available
only in Alabama & Mississippi)



Funny One-Liners

Q: What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
A: Juan on Juan.

Q: What is a Yankee?
A: The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

Q: Why does a man have a hole in his penis?
A: To get some air to his brain.

Q: What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
A: The position of the dirt bag.

Q. Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it.

Q. What's the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth?
A: One US leader.

Q: How can you tell when a man has had an orgasm?
A: From the snoring.

Q: What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
A: Donuts.

Q: Why is air a lot like sex?
A. Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

Q. Why is Chelsea Clinton so homely?
A. Because Janet Reno is her real father.

Q: What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians in a room
A: 100 people who don't do dick.



 I hear we are going to hit close to $3.00 a gallon by the summer
Want gasoline prices to come down? We need to take some intelligent, united action. Phillip Hollsworth, offered this good idea: This makes MUCH MORE SENSE than the "don't buy gas on a certain day" campaign that was going around last April or May!

The oil companies just laughed at that because they knew we
wouldn't continue to "hurt" ourselves by refusing to buy gas. It was more of an inconvenience to us than it was a problem for them. BUT, whoever thought of this idea, has
come up with a plan that can really work. Please read itand join
with us!

By now you're probably thinking gasoline priced at about $1.50 is super cheap. Me too! It is currently $1.97 for regular unleaded in my
town. (California)

Now that the oil companies and the OPEC nations have conditioned us to think that the cost of a gallon of gas is CHEAP at $1.50- $1.75, we need to take aggressive action to teach them that BUYERS control the marketplace....not sellers. With the price of gasoline going up more each day, we consumers need to take action. The only way we are going to see the price of gas come
down is if we hit someone in the pocketbook by not purchasing THEIR gas! And we can do that WITHOUT hurting ourselves. How? .
Since we all rely on our cars, we can't just stop buying gas. But we CAN have an impact on gas prices if we all act together to force a price war. Here's the idea: For the rest of this year, DON"T purchase ANY gasoline from the two biggest
companies (which now are one), EXXON and MOBIL. If they are not
selling any gas, they will be inclined to reduce their prices. If they reduce their prices, the other companies will have to follow suit. . .
But to have an impact, we need to reach literally millions of Exxon and Mobil gas buyers. It's really simple to do!! Now, don't whimp out on me at this point...keep reading and I'll explain how simple it is to reach millions of people!! .
I am sending this note to about thirty people. If each of you send it to at least ten more (30 x 10 = 300)... and those 300 send it to at least ten more (300 x 10 = 3,000) ... and so on, by the time the message reaches the sixth generation of people, we will have reached over THREE MILLION consumers! .
If those three million get excited and pass this on to ten friends each, then 30 million people will have been contacted! If it goes one level further, you guessed it..... THREE HUNDRED MILLION PEOPLE!!! .
Again,all you have to do is send this to 10 people. That's all. (If you don't understand how we can reach 300 million and all you have to do is send this to 10 people.... well, let's face it, you just aren't a mathematician. But I > am... so trust me on this one.)
How long would all that take? If each of us sends this email out to ten more people within one day of receipt, all 300 MILLION people could conceivably be contacted within the next 8 days!!!

I'll bet you didn't think you and I had that much potential, did
Acting together we can make a difference. If this makes sense to you, please pass this message on. PLEASE HOLD OUT UNTIL THEY LOWER THEIR PRICES AND KEEP THEM DOWN. THIS CAN REALLY WORK. YOU KNOW THEY LOVE HOLIDAYS AND SUMMER TRAVELERS.


Everyone has Potential

I think this is terrific & has to be the all-time classic comeback. This is
an exact recount of a National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female
broadcaster and US Army General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop
visiting his military installation.

Female Interviewer: "So, General Reinwald,what things are you going to
teach these young boys when they visit your base?"

General Reinwald: "We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery
and shooting."

Female Interviewer: "Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?"

General Reinwald: "I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on
the rifle range."

Female Interviewer: "Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous
activity to be teaching children?"

General Reinwald: "I don't see how, ....we will be teaching them proper
rifle range discipline before they even touch a firearm."

Female Interviewer: "But you're equipping them to become violent

General Reinwald: "Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're
not one, are you?"

The radio went silent and the interview ended


Subj: Survivor: Texas-Style

To capitalize on the popularity of the hit series "Survivor 2", a Texas
production company is planning to produce a new TV show for the upcoming
fall season called "Survivor: Texas-Style".

The contestants, all male, will start in Dallas, travel through Waco,
Austin, San Antonio, down to Houston and Brownsville. They will proceed up to Del
Rio, on to El Paso, then to Midland/Odessa, up to Lubbock and Amarillo. From
there, they proceed to Abilene, and on to Ft.Worth and then back to Dallas.

Each will be driving a pink Volvo, with a bumper sticker that reads, "I'm
gay, I voted for Al Gore, and I'm here to confiscate your guns". The first
one to make it back to Dallas (alive) wins a million dollars


Subj: Zen

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I
may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me the hell alone.

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky
It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's
newspaper, that's the time to do it.
Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.
Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
No one is listening until you fart.
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to
It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without
your help.
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he
will sit in a boat & drink beer all day.
If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably
worth it.
Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time.
Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad
There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.


Subj: Lessons

A boy and his father were playing catch in the front yard when the boy saw a
honey bee. He ran over and stomped it. "That was a honey bee," his father
said, "one of our friends. For stomping him you will do without honey for a

Later the boy saw a butterfly, so he ran over and stomped it. "That was a
butterfly," his father said, "one of our friends, and for stomping him you
will do without butter for a week."

The next morning the family sat down for breakfast. The boy ate his plain
toast with no honey or butter. Suddenly a cockroach ran out from under the
stove. His mother stomped it.

The boy looked at his father and said, "Are you going to tell
her, Dad, or should I?"


Subj: Blind Man Joke Teller

A blind man and his guide dog enter a bar and find their way to a bar
stool. After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells
to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet. In a husky, deep voice, the
woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know
something. The bartender is blond, the bouncer is blond, and I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb.
blonde with a black belt in karate. What's more, the woman sitting next to
me is blonde and she's a weight lifter. The lady to your right is a blonde,
and she's a pro wrestler. You might want to think about it seriously, Mister.
You still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.
Subj: Games for When We're Older

1. Sag, You're it
2. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy
3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear
4. Kick the bucket
5. Red rover, red rover, the nurse says Bend Over
6. Doc Goose
7. Simon says something incoherent
8. Hide and go pee
9. Spin the bottle of Mylanta
10. Musical recliners

"OLD" IS WHEN... Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and
you answer, "Honey, I can't do both!"

"OLD" IS WHEN... Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and
you're barefoot.

"OLD" IS WHEN... A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens
the garage door.

"OLD" IS WHEN... Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

"OLD" IS WHEN... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you
don't have to go along.

"OLD" IS WHEN... When you are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead
of by the police.

"OLD" IS WHEN... "Getting a little action" means I don't need to take any
fiber today.

"OLD" IS WHEN... "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.


AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked
"intellectual leadership." He received a $26 million severance package.
Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.

Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman
who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten teargas
canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them,
shouting, "Please come out and give yourself up!"

An Illinois man pretending to have a gun kidnapped a motorist and forced him
to drive to two different automated teller machines. The kidnapper then
proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.

A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop, and asked for all the money in
the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store
clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up
and grabbed him.

Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't
control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the
lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man
shouted, "that's not what I said!"

A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her
contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the
doctor asked. "No!" the man shouted, "This is her husband!"

In Modesto, California, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold
up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger
to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his
pocket. (Hellllllloooooooooo!)


> >>Something to think about..............when the day seems long and
tough.....this is a great perspective.
> >>
> >>
> >>If we could shrink the earth's population to a village
> >>of precisely 100 people, with all the existing human
> >>ratios remaining the same, it would look something
> >>like the following:
> >>
> >>  There would be:
> >>  57 Asians, 21 Europeans,14 from the Western
> >>Hemisphere, both north and south, 8 Africans
> >>  52 would be female; 48 would be male
> >>  70 would be non-white; 30 would be white
> >>  70 would be non-Christian; 30 would be Christian
> >>  89 would be heterosexual; 11 would be homosexual
> >>
> >>  6 people would possess 59% of the entire world's
> >>wealth and all 6 would be from the United States.
> >>  80 would live in substandard housing
> >>  70 would be unable to read
> >>  50 would suffer from malnutrition
> >>  1 would be near death; 1 would be near birth
> >>  1 (yes, only 1) would have a college education
> >>  1 would own a computer
> >>
> >>  When one considers our world from such a compressed
> >>perspective, the need for acceptance, understanding
> >>and education becomes glaringly apparent.
> >>
> >>  The following is also something to ponder...
> >>  If you woke up this morning with more health than
> >> are more blessed than the million who
> >>will not survive this week.
> >>
> >>  If you have never experienced the danger of battle,
> >>the loneliness of imprisonment, the agony of torture,
> >>or the pangs of starvation are ahead of 500
> >>million people in the world.
> >>
> >>  If you can attend a church meeting without fear of
> >>harassment, arrest, torture, or are more
> >>blessed than three billion people in the world.
> >>
> >>  If you have food in the refrigerator, clothes on
> >>your back, a roof overhead and a place to
> >>are richer than 75% of this world.
> >>
> >>  If you have money in the bank, in your wallet, and
> >>spare change in a dish someplace ... you are among the
> >>top 8% of the world's wealthy.
> >>
> >>  If your parents are still alive and still married
> >>... you are very rare, even in the United States and
> >>Canada.
> >>
> >>  If you can read this message, you just received a
> >>double blessing in that someone was thinking of you,
> >>and furthermore, you are more blessed  than over two
> >>billion people in the world that cannot read at all.
> >>
> >>  Someone once said:  What goes around comes around.
> >>
> >>  Work like you don't need the money.
> >>  Love like  you've never been hurt.
> >>  Dance like nobody's watching.
> >>  Sing like nobody's listening.
> >>  Live like it's Heaven on Earth.
> >>
> >> It's National Friendship Week.
> >>  Send this to everyone you consider a FRIEND.

> > >>  Happy friendship week everyone!


At A confession:

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?"

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And who was the woman you were with?"

"Sure and I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin her

"Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as
well tell me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Patricia Kelly?"

"I'll never tell."

"Was it Liz Shannon?"

"I'm sorry, but I'll not name her."

"Was it Cathy Morgan?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Fiona McDonald, then?"

"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad, Tommy
Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But you've sinned, and you must
atone. Be off with you now."

Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and
"What'd you get?"

"Five good leads," says Tommy.



Tongue Tied in a Nut Shop

A tongue-tied man goes into a nut shop, and the first thing he
notices is that the guy behind the counter has the largest nose he's
ever seen in his life. The tongue-tied guy quickly turns his attention
to the merchandise, and asks, "ess-tues me ser?"

"Yes sir," replied the clerk.

"Tould you tale me how mutsh your pisstasheos arr?"

"Pistachio's? They're six dollars a pound."

"SSit!" The tongue-tied guy goes back to browsing, and then asks
"welp, how mutsh arr your aahhmons?"

"Almonds? They're seven fifty a pound."

"SSIT!" Replied the tongue-tied man. "Welp, how bout your pikanns?"

"Pecans? They're on sale today, they're only four fifty a pound."

"Welp, Ssit. Just div me a poulnd of dose dhen."

"Alright then," says the clerk, and begins bagging up a pound of

Then, the tongue-tied guy says to the clerk, "Sirr, I just wana tay
tank you fo not maken phun of de way I talk, cauz I tan't hep it."

The clerk replies with a smile. "Oh sir, you don't have to thank me
for that. I don't make fun of anybody, for any thing! I don't know if
you noticed, or not, but I have a rather large nose."

The tongue-tied guy replies "Oh, is dat your noze? I tought dat wuz
your penis since your nutz arr so damn high!"


 Tongue Tied in a Nut Shop

A tongue-tied man goes into a nut shop, and the first thing he
notices is that the guy behind the counter has the largest nose he's
ever seen in his life. The tongue-tied guy quickly turns his attention
to the merchandise, and asks, "ess-tues me ser?"

"Yes sir," replied the clerk.

"Tould you tale me how mutsh your pisstasheos arr?"

"Pistachio's? They're six dollars a pound."

"SSit!" The tongue-tied guy goes back to browsing, and then asks
"welp, how mutsh arr your aahhmons?"

"Almonds? They're seven fifty a pound."

"SSIT!" Replied the tongue-tied man. "Welp, how bout your pikanns?"

"Pecans? They're on sale today, they're only four fifty a pound."

"Welp, Ssit. Just div me a poulnd of dose dhen."

"Alright then," says the clerk, and begins bagging up a pound of

Then, the tongue-tied guy says to the clerk, "Sirr, I just wana tay
tank you fo not maken phun of de way I talk, cauz I tan't hep it."

The clerk replies with a smile. "Oh sir, you don't have to thank me
for that. I don't make fun of anybody, for any thing! I don't know if
you noticed, or not, but I have a rather large nose."

The tongue-tied guy replies "Oh, is dat your noze? I tought dat wuz
your penis since your nutz arr so damn high!"


Hello, my name is Dave and I suffer from the guilt of not forwarding 50
billion fucking chain letters sent to me by people who actually believe
that if you send them on, a poor 6-year-old girl in Arkansas with a
breast on her forehead will be able to raise enough money to have it
removed before her redneck parents sell her to a traveling freak show.

Do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give you, and everyone
to whom you send "his" email, $1000?  How stupid are we?

"Ooooh, looky here!  If I scroll down  this page and make a wish,
I'll get laid by a model I just happen to run into the next day!"

What a bunch of bullshit.

Maybe the evil chain letter leprechauns will come into my house and
sodomize me in my sleep for not continuing a chain letter that was
started by Peter in 5 AD and brought to this country by midget pilgrims
on the Mayflower.

Fuck them.

If you're going to forward something, at least send me something mildly
amusing. I've seen all this "send this to10 of your closest friends,and
this poor, wretched excuse for a human being will somehow receive
a nickel from some omniscient being" forwards about 90 times.

I don't fucking care.

Show a little intelligence and think about what you're actually
contributing to by sending out these forwards. Chances are, it's our
own unpopularity.

The point being? ! If you get some chain letter that's threatening to leave
you shagless or luckless for the rest of your life, delete it.

If it's funny, send it on.

Don't piss people off by making them feel guilty about
a leper in Botswana with no teeth who has been tied to
the ass of a dead elephant for 27 years and whose only
salvation is the 5 cents per letter he'll receive if you
forward this email.

Now forward this to everyone you know.
Otherwise, tomorrow morning your
underwear will turn carnivorous and
will consume your genitals.

Have a nice day. (Like I give a shit!!)


> Driving Too Fast!
> >
> > A man and a woman were dating. She being of a
> > religious nature had held back the worldly
> pleasure
> > that he wanted from her so bad. In fact, he had
> > never even seen her naked. One day, as they drove
> > down the freeway, she remarked about his slow
> > driving habits. "I can't stand it anymore," she
> told
> > him. "Let's play a game. For every 5 miles per
> hour
> > over the speed limit you drive, I"ll remove one
> > piece of clothing. He enthusiastically agreed and
> > sped up the car. He reached the 55 MPH mark, so
> she
> > took off her blouse. At 60 off came the pants. At
> 65
> > it was her bra and at 70 her panties. Now seeing
> her
> > naked for the first time and traveling faster than
> > he ever had before, he became very excited and
> lost
> > control of the car. He veered off the road, went
> > over an embankment and hit a tree. His girlfriend
> > was not hurt but he was trapped. She tried to pull
> > him free but alas he was stuck. "Go to the road
> and
> > get help," he said. "I don't have anything to
> cover
> > myself with!" she replied. The man felt around,
> but
> > could only reach one of his shoes. "You'll have to
> > put this between your legs to cover it up," he
> told
> > her. So she did as he said and went up to the road
> > for help. Along came a truck driver. Seeing a
> naked,
> > crying woman along the road, he pulled over to
> hear
> > her story. "My boyfriend! My boyfriend!" she sobs,
> > "He's stuck and I can't pull him out!" The truck
> > driver looking down at the shoe between her legs
> > replies, "Ma'am, if he's in that far, I'm afraid
> > he'a a goner!"


In the days of the Wild West, there was a young cowboy who wanted more
than anything to be the greatest gunfighter in the world. He
practiced every minute of his spare time, but he knew that he wasn't yet
first-rate and that there must be something he was doing wrong.

Sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly man
seated at the bar who had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the
West in his day. The young cowboy took the seat next to the old-timer,
bought him a drink, and told him the story of his great ambition.
"Do you think you could give me some tips?" he asked.

The old man looked him up and down and said, "Well, for one thing you're
wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a little lower down on your leg."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.

"Sure will," said the old-timer.

The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his .44 and shot the
bow tie off the piano player.

"That's terrific!" said the cowboy, "Got any more tips for me?"

"Yep," said the old man, "cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer
hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the younger man.

"You bet it will," said the old-timer.

The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun
in a blur, and shot a cufflink off the piano player.

"Wow!" said the cowboy, "I'm learnin' somethin' here -- got any more tips?"

The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. "See that
axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it."

The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the
barrel of his gun.

"No," said the old-timer, "I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.

"No," said the old timer, "..but when Wyatt Earp gets done playin' the
piano, he's going to shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt as much!


>HOW THINGS WERE DIFFERENT IN 1904 (Or, the sometimes Not-So-Good-Old Days!)
>The average life expectancy in America was 47.
>Only 14% of the homes in the U.S. had a bathtub.
>18% of American households had at least one full-time servant or domestic.
>Only 8% of the homes had a telephone.
>A three-minute call from Denver to New York City cost $11.
>Sugar cost $0.04/pound. Eggs were $0.14/dozen. Coffee cost $0.15/pound.
>There were only 8,000 cars in the U.S. and only 144 miles of paved roads.
>The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph.
>Alabama, Mississippi, Iowa, and Tennessee were each more heavily populated
than California. With a mere 1.4 million residents, California was only the
21st most populated state in the Union.
>The average wage in the U.S. was $0.22/hour.
>The average American worker made between $200-$400/year.
>A competent accountant could expect to earn $2000/year, a dentist
$2,500/year, a veterinarian between $1,500-$4,000/year, and a mechanical
engineer about $5,000/year.
>More than 95% of all births in the U.S. took place at home.
>90% of all U.S. physicians had no college education. Instead, they attended
medical schools, many of which were condemned in the press and by the
government as "substandard."
>The five leading causes of death in the US were:
>1. Pneumonia and influenza
>2. Tuberculosis
>3. Diarrhea
>4. Heart disease
>5. Stroke
>The American flag had 45 stars. Arizona, Oklahoma, New Mexico, Hawaii and
Alaska hadn't been admitted to the Union yet.
>The population of Las Vegas, Nevada was 30.
>One in ten American adults couldn't read or write.
>Only 6% of all Americans had graduated from high school.
>There were only about 230 reported murders in the entire U.S.
>And here some more facts from 1904:
>The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower.
>There were no Mother's Day or Father's Day.
>Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and iced tea hadn't been invented.
>Most women only washed their hair once a month and used borax or egg yolks
for shampoo.
>Coca Cola contained cocaine.
>Marijuana, heroin and morphine were all available over the counter at
corner drugstores. According to one pharmacist, "Heroin clears the
complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind, regulates the stomach and the
bowels, and is, in fact, a perfect guardian of health."
>Canada passed a law prohibiting poor people from entering the country for
any reason.

Get To Know Your State's Motto!!!

Alabama: Hell Yes, We Have Electricity
Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!
Arizona: But It's A Dry Heat
Arkansas: Literacy Ain't Everything
California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda
Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother
Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedy's Don't Own It Yet
Delaware: We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water
Florida: Home of the headless drivers
Georgia: We Put The "Fun" In Fundamentalist Extremism
Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum,
Your Money)
Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes ..... Well Okay, We're Not, But The
Sure Are Real Good
Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S"
Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn
Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States
Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
Louisiana: We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism
Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster
Maryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It
Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax
Michigan: First Line Of Defense From The Canadians
Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes... And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes
Mississippi: Come And Feel Better About Your Own State
Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars Hard At Work
Montana: Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-wing crazies, and
Little Else
Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest
Nevada: Hookers and Poker!
New Hampshire: Go Away And Leave Us Alone
New Jersey: You Want A #@$%+!% Motto? I Got Yer #@$%+!% Motto right
New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent pets
New York: You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To
Attorney ....
North Carolina: Tobacco Is A Vegetable
North Dakota: We Really Are One Of The 50 States!
Ohio: Home of Lake Erie and the Mistake By The Lake (Cleveland)
Oklahoma: Like The Play, Only No Singing
Oregon: Spotted Owl... It's What's For Dinner
Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal
Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island
South Carolina: Remember The Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender
South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota
Tennessee: The Edjucashun State
Texas: Si' Hablo Ingles
Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
Vermont: Yep
Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?
Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds And Slackers!
Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?
West Virginia: One Big Happy Family... Really!
Wisconsin: Come Cut The Cheese
Wyoming: Where Men Are Men .... and the sheep are scared!



Idiot #1
> > I am a medical student currently doing a
> > rotation in
> > toxicology at the poison control center.
> > Today, this woman called in
> > very upset because she caught her little
> > daughter eating ants. I
> > quickly reassured her that the ants are not
> > harmful and there would be
> > no need to bring her daughter into the
> > hospital. She calmed
> > down, and at the end of the conversation
> > happened to mention that she
> > gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in
> > order to kill the ants. I
> > told her that she better bring her daughter
> > into the Emergency room
> > right away.
> > Here's your sign lady. Wear it with pride.
> >
> >
> > Idiot #2
> > Seems that a year ago, some Boeing
> > employees on the airfield decided to
> > steal a life raft from one of the 747s.
> > They were successful in
> > getting it out of the plane and home. When
> > they took it for a float
> > on the river, Coast Guard helicopter coming
> > towards them surprised them.
> > It turned
> > out that the chopper was homing in on the
> > emergency locator beacon that
> > activated when the raft was inflated. They
> > are no longer employed at
> > Boeing.
> > Here's your sign guys. Don't get it wet,
> > the paint might run.
> >
> >
> > Idiot # 3 - A true story out of San
> > Francisco:
> > A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of
> > America, walked into the
> > branch and wrote "this is a stikkup. Put
> > all your muny in this bag."
> > While standing in line, waiting to give his
> > note to the teller, he began
> > to worry that someone had seen him write
> > the note and might call the
> > police before he reached the teller's
> > window. So he left the Bank of
> > America and crossed the street to Wells
> > Fargo.
> > After waiting a few minutes in line, he
> > handed his note to the Wells
> > Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising
> > from his spelling errors
> > that he wasn't the brightest light in the
> > harbor, told him that she
> > could not accept his stickup note because
> > it was written on a Bank of
> > America deposit slip and that he would
> > either have to fill out a Wells
> > Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of
> > America.
> > Looking somewhat defeated, the man said,
> > "OK" and left. He was
> > arrested few minutes later, as he was
> > waiting in line back at Bank of
> > America.
> > Don't bother with this guy's sign. He
> > probably couldn't read
> > it anyway.
> >
> >
> > Idiot # 4
> > A motorist was unknowingly caught in an
> > automated speed trap that
> > measured his speed using radar and
> > photographed his car. He later
> > received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a
> > photo of his car. Instead
> > of payment, he sent the police department a
> > photograph of $40.
> > Several days later, he
> > received a letter from the police that
> > contained another picture, this
> > time of handcuffs. He immediately mailed in
> > his $40.
> > Another sign (though this guy might be onto
> > something worth thinking
> > about)!
> >
> >
> > Idiot # 5
> > >Guy walked into a little corner store with
> > a shotgun and
> > demanded all the cash from the cash drawer.
> > After the cashier put the
> > cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of
> > scotch that he wanted behind
> > the counter on the shelf. He told the
> > cashier to put it in the bag as
> > well, but the cashier
> > >refused and said, "Because I don't believe
> > you are over 21."
> > The robber said he was, but the clerk still
> > refused to give it to him
> > because he didn't believe him. At this
> > point the robber took his
> > driver's license out of his wallet and gave
> > it to the clerk. The clerk
> > looked it over, and agreed that the man
> > was in fact over 21 and he put the scotch
> > in the bag. The
> > robber then ran from the store with his
> > loot. The cashier promptly
> > called the police and gave the name and
> > address of the robber that he
> > got off the license. They arrested the
> > robber two hours later.
> > Remind me to have more signs printed up.
> > Give this guy his!)
> >
> >
> > Idiot # 6
> > A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record
> > shop nervously
> > waving revolvers. The first one shouted,
> > "Nobody move!" When his
> > partner moved, the startled first bandit
> > shot him.
> > This guy doesn't need a sign, he probably
> > figured it out
> > himself.)
> >
> >
> > Idiot # 7
> > Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer
> > pretty badly. He decided
> > that he'd just throw a cinder block through
> > a liquor store window, grab
> > some booze, and run. So he lifted the
> > cinder block and heaved it over
> > his head at the window. The cinder block
> > bounced back and hit the
> > would-be thief on the head, knocking him
> > unconscious. Seems the liquor
> > store window was made of Plexi-Glass. The
> > whole event was caught on
> > videotape.
> > Oh, that smarts. Give him his sign!)
> >
> >
> > Idiot # 8
> > Ann Arbor: The Ann Arbor News crime column
> > reported that a man walked
> > into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan
> > at 12:50 A.M., flashed a gun
> > and demanded cash. The clerk turned him
> > down because he said he
> > couldn't open the cash register without a
> > food order. When the man
> > ordered onion
> > rings, the clerk said they weren't
> > available for breakfast.
> > The man, frustrated, walked away. Please
> > note that these people are
> > allowed to vote!
> > =====


 The Missing Rooster

> > The priest in a small Irish village was very fond of the
> >chickens he kept in the hen house out the back of the parish manse. Hehad
a cock rooster and about ten hens.
> >
> > One Saturday night the cock rooster went missing and as that was
the time he suspected cock fights occurred in the village he decided to do
something about it at church the next morning.
> >
> > At Mass, he asked the congregation "Has anybody got a cock?"
> > - all the men stood up.
> >
> > "No No" he said "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a
> > - all the women stood up.
> >
> > "No No" he said "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a
cock that doesn't belong to them."
> > - half the women stood up.
> >
> > "No No" he said "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen my
> > - all the nuns stood up.



Feudalism - You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.

Fascism - You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to
take care of them, and sells you the milk.

Communism - You have two cows. Your neighbors help take care of them and
you share the milk.

Totalitarianism - You have two cows. The government takes them both and
denies they ever existed and drafts you into the army. Milk is banned.

Capitalism - You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd
multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell the milk and retire on the

Enronism - You have two cows. You sell three of them to your
publicly-listed company, using letters of credit opened by your
brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an
associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax
exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred
via an intermediary to a Cayman Islands partnership secretly owned by
the CFO of the publicly listed company who sells the rights to all seven
cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company
owns eight cows, with an option on one more, and that these and certain
other cow-related activities give milk, both realized and
unrealized/notional, at an annual run rate of 1.54 billion gallons.



I finished the Oreo's.
Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs
40 pounds.
Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Lee had
a baby!
I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever!
Well, couldn't they induce labor? The 25th is the Super Bowl.
Darned if you ain't about five pounds away from a surprise
visit from that Richard Simmons fella.
Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy,
that's gotta hurt.
Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard
I'm jealous! Why can't men experience the joy of childbirth?
Are your ankles supposed to look like that?
Get your *own* ice cream.
Geez, you're awfully puffy looking today.
Got milk ?
Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney?
Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!
Retaining water? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water...
Your stomach sticks out almost as much as your ass!
You don't have the guts to pull that trigger...


The Accident
> >
> >A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one. Both of
> >their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.
> >After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says "So you're a man..
> >interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing
> >but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be
> >friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days".
> >
> >Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely, this
> >be a sign from God!"
> >
> >The woman continues, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is
> >completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God
> >wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."
> >Then she hands the bottle to the man.
> >The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle
> >then hands it back to the woman.
> >The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on, and
> >it back to the man.
> >
> >The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
> >The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police.... "
> >
> >
Women are clever, evil bitches. Don't mess with them.
> >


This could well be the joke of the year..........

A three year old little boy was examining his testicles while
taking a bath.
"Mama," he asked, "Are these my brains?"

Mama  answered
, "Not yet."